Taking the Scale by storm!

Self-Control/Self discipline "muscles"

2012-02-07T13:15:00.000-08:00

There was a report on the radio this morning as I was headed to work. I listened with one ear while enjoying one of the few moments in the day when my time is MY time (yes, commuting is my only "me" time...).
The report was something along the lines of "the more you resists things, the easier it gets." And my first thought was "DUH!"
Then I subconsciously smacked myself in the forehead. DUH. It's like any other skill - physical or mental. You have to practice to get it right. I can't walk out on a basketball court and expect to sink 3 pointers. Or any pointers really. But if I practice really (REALLY) hard, I may be able to eventually play a decent game. Globetrotter I'll never be but I bet I could be a team player on a rec team. With practice.
Not that I WANT to play basketball (I'm 5'-6" on a good day and frankly not very good at ball sports). But there are other "skills" that I need to work on. Self control. Self discipline. And, like muscles, they need to be worked out to be stronger and more effective.
My self control and self discipline - much like the rest of my muscles - are pretty flabby. Honestly I used pregnancy as the Grand Excuse to go back on all of my food habits. Yes, I didn't feel well. Yes, I needed to eat more. But I didn't eat as healthy as I should and I ate crap. I still eat crap. I've lost all the progress I made on the self control/self discipline front. And like the rest of the muscles, I WILL start working out those skills.
Yesterday was my first day (again) without candy. It's hard. It's become such a habit - a fidget - that it's hard to realize when I'm doing it. Like biting your nails. Looking down and thinking "now when did THAT happen!?" I've been eating compulsively. I have healthy options but I've been "treating" myself and it's not healthy. Not for my weight, not for my food addiction.
So yesterday I did 24 "reps" of self-control. No candy. And today I'll to 24 more. And I'll picture building those muscles. I'll have shapely calves AND healthy self control. Eventually.

Today's weigh in was encouraging: 204.5 pounds.

And tonight I'll get a picture and some measurements - because my self discipline applies to following through on commitments.

207 - hard to type that!

2012-02-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

Ok - my tri training has started but my eating hasn't stopped.
How's that for a fine "where ya been, how ya doing" post.
I've been sporadically training - time is such a premium and frankly, I'm not prioritizing it the way I know I need to be. Not only that but if I start REALLY training then I have to address the landslide of eating I've been doing. It's bad people. Really really bad. As bad as it's ever been. I'll leave it at that.
Today however, I start on Day 1 again. No candy. None. In fact I still had candy left on my desk from Friday. And I threw it away. Me. Really. Threw it away. And I'm committing to blogging on a regular basis. Because I NEED to. Because I HAVE to. Because it works for me.
So tomorrow I'll be back with pictures and measurements - and my plan.

Meanwhile - more gratuitous baby pictures - this is from halloween!

Look who's still alive!!

2012-01-13T13:23:00.000-08:00

And gearing up to start working out again. As the new baby reaches his 6 month 'birthday' I'm ready to start. Why has it taken me this long? It's a long list. Mostly excuses. Some more valid than others (new mom, breastfeeding, new job) some not as valid (I would have to give up junk food again, I would have to make the time, I would have to get off my butt and find my motivation again).
That's where the blog comes in handy again. I'm going to use it again as my motivation. Use the "audience" that's implied to get my butt moving again. I don't have a scale anymore and haven't decided if I will replace it (it broke, I know I'm 200 pounds post baby but I haven't seen the number in a couple weeks now).
I'm jump starting all of it by signing up for races. A couple sprint Triathalons and joining a relay for a half ironman - yes, really!
This entry is short - just a "hi, how are you?!" until I have time to write more. But I'm here. I'm back. I'm getting ready to lose the final 50 pounds. And help anyone else willing to join me on this journey!
Meanwhile - here's a picture of my amazing baby boy - born July 17, 2011. That's a blog unto itself!

Full Term - and back to 240

2011-07-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

another fly by posting...

Yesterday was 40 weeks 0 days for me - technically known as the "due date" someone forgot to inform the human growing inside me of that fact however. He's late. Oh well - I trust mother nature knows what she's doing.

But since this blog was started as a weight loss blog - the "weight loss" news is that I'm back to 240 pounds. How depressing is that? I know it's for a good cause and I'm actually doing pretty ok with it - but I can't say I'm not anxious to see how the scale reacts after he's born and in the weeks following.
Will I be excited to watch the weight drop off? Will I be disappointed that it's not dropping fast enough? Will I be able to regain my momentum and get back on the proverbial wagon?
Only time will tell.
Stay tuned though - I will be back.
If this pregnancy has taught me one thing - it's that I don't want to go through life this heavy ever again. My body is NOT happy with the extra bulk.

So - until this baby is born - and I'm back on track - thanks for sticking with me!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

13 weeks to go - the scale broke

2011-04-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

27 weeks pregnant now - scale's been inching up, emotionally it's hard to deal with. High emotions = more eating = higher numbers = high emotions. See where this is going?

Downward spiral - emotionally at least. I've been SO busy with work, commuting, teenagers, and helping hubby keep shop open and running. I'm overloaded. And without the downtime, I'm eating worse than usual. I don't have time to plan let alone cook. But I'm determined and not giving up. It's never too late, right?

At 27 weeks, I'm up 22 pounds - I won't lie, as much as I know that it's ok and encouraged to gain weight to grow a healthy baby, it's still really difficult to watch the scale go up. I know that every pound I gain is another pound I have to lose.

I really don't have much to blog about these days - life it rushing past and there's not many "victories" - I feel silly blogging about kicks and baby hiccups and growing out of even some of my maternity clothes. I haven't even taken many pictures of my baby bump - but I'm getting comments asking when I'm due and co-workers and family are rubbing the bump.

We've scheduled our birthing class - well, twice actually. Hubby's business has a big open house the weekend after the major local car show. i've been pestering him for the dates (but didn't bother to look them up myself). He finally said "just book the birthing class, it's more important". So I did.
And it was the SAME weekend. Wouldn't you know it?! So I re-booked the birthing class - taking weeknight classes for 5 weeks vs. 2 days over a weekend. So now we're taking a birthing class. It's more for hubby than for me (I keep saying that but who am I kidding - it's been FIFTEEN years since I gave birth - I remember the main details but the particulars are pretty fuzzy at this point!).

We've started a registry (including a jogging stroller - I'm determined to pick back up again after baby!), bought some "couldn't resist" baby clothes - hubby's a huge fan of ducks so a lot of the clothes we find are duck themed. Including this:

We're doing newborn professional photos so I'm hoping this is as cute on our baby as the picture is!!

Ok - time to go back to work - just a quick update. No news is good news, right? I'm still following several blogs, but honestly I'm just frustrated to compare my gain to other people's losses. I'm thrilled that so many people I've been following for over a year are still doing great and dropping pounds and still with the program. I'm just frustrated that I feel like I'm still 3 months away from starting over again. If that makes any sense...

TTFN,

LauraLynne

made it through the week

2011-03-11T16:13:00.000-08:00

and still sugar free! I'm struggling a little with random comments from people about how "big" I am - it's hard not to take it personally. I try and focus on the fact that "big" = healthy baby, I'm all baby belly, I still have a waist (from the sides) and I should (but won't) measure my thighs and calves but I'm pretty sure they haven't changed much. My weight gain has slowed down - I was up to 220, now down to 218 but still eating plenty! I don't even want to count how many calories I was eating in a day - and probably 40% of it from sugar/junk.
I keep reminding myself that the less I put on now, the less I have to take off later (keeping it to a healthy weight gain, NOT a weight loss situation here).
Meanwhile - baby boy is kicking and rolling and punching in there - constantly reminding me of his presence. Hubby's felt him once now - but tried to feel him at night but it's hit or miss. I suspect from this point on, it will get MUCH easier, he's moved up higher and might have flipped around (he was breech at 20wk).
I am looking at my "no sugar" as temporary to see if I can make it the remaining 16.5 weeks without it. I think that I will re-evaluate at that point and probably remain sugar-free but am just going to focus on one day at a time.

That's my brief update!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

rash decision...but it needs to be done...

2011-03-07T14:54:00.000-08:00

Just a quick check in - this morning's breakfast got me thinking...
Typically I've been eating toast every morning. And I've been using cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top because, well, because frankly I'm out of control. With my sugar consumption. This morning was the final straw. For reasons I don't completely understand. But I'm going with it...

Pregnancy or not - I'm eating too much sugar. It's become my go-to food. And it's out of control.
So this morning, I quit. Cold Turkey. Without any pre-meditation. Peanut butter toast from this point forward. And no snickers with lunch. And no cadbury eggs at the grocery store. And no ice cream, sprinkle donuts, random candy bars to curb hunger.

It's going to mean more planning. I still have to eat every hour or so to keep the m/s from getting out of control. But it's NOT sugar that I need. It's sugar that I want...but not need.
So today is Day 1. Again. I know. But I know it's what I need to do. Not want. For sure. But need.
Want vs. need. A great post for another day...

Until then, nearly 23 weeks pregnant and already grumpy, I'm giving up sugar cold turkey.
(my brain is already coming up with "exceptions" - there's a cupcake party in the works, there are baby showers I will be the guest of honor at - that means cake! - and there's the occassional Cadbury egg I don't WANT to resist...)

So here's to Day 1. Again.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

I feel like all I do is whine anymore

2011-02-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

...hence the silence.

I'm SO grateful for this baby growing inside me - but I'm struggling with demons that have been in me for my entire life. I realize what a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to have healthy baby.

I thank God every single day for the blessings he brings to my life. We got news this week that this baby is a very healthy, strong, growing - BOY. Which is awesome. You could have knocked me over with a feather - I was sure this was a girl. But, apparently, I was wrong! God continues to surprise me!!

I'm still suffering morning sickness - and I'm combating it by taking meds every night and making sure I'm never hungry. Which means eating all. the. time.

What a horrible thing to complain about - right? I mean - this should be a dream come true. But I'm blowing it. I'm making horrible choices. Not all the time. But enough for me to feel guilty. For eating junk. For breaking food abstinences I worked so hard on. For feeling guilty.

And while being pregnant is tiring, feeling guilty is worse! I'm exhausted and not motivated to do anything. But this weekend I'm making some changes. Including meal planning, snack planning, freezer meals, and general de-cluttering around the house. My room has been out of control - there's laundry everywhere and I'm going a little nutty without some order in my chaos. I've been working my full time job plus working swap meets for my husband's business for the last 2 weekends. I'm utterly burnt out. And looking forward to doing something for MYSELF this weekend.

Including cooking, cleaning and laundry. And a date with hubby. Because - wow - after 8 years, this man loves me more every day and life is truly awesome. He's been so awesome with my general mood swings (grumpy to even grumpier usually), he's been generous and genuine with compliments, and some days, at the end of the day, when he walks past me and caresses my exppanding belly, life's worries just fade away.

I haven't kept up on other blogs - it's not good for me right now. I'm envious of those of you who's weight loss I was pacing - you've now all pulled ahead by large margins - and rightfully so. But mentally, it's frustrating so I'm avoiding y'all for now. I will be SO excited to cheer for you again when I feel ready. Until then, secretly, I'm SO excited to check in now and then and see just how awesome everyone is doing!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

strange self-image issues cropping up...

2011-02-11T11:12:00.000-08:00

Not much to report here, I'm tired, I'm getting bigger, I'm eating all day long...I'm 19 weeks along now and right on track for weight gain according to my doctor. So I'm trying to be nice to myself about my choices and the fact that it feels out of control (compared to when I was trying to lose weight).
I'm staying off the scale mostly - I weigh myself about once a week or so but I'm trying really hard not to let the numbers get me upset.

BUT - what I'm struggling with - and it's new to me - is body image issues. I KNOW I'm pregnant. I KNOW my belly is getting bigger. I KNOW there's a baby causing that - but I'm really struggling with my own perception of a larger tummy.
After losing 130 pounds 9 years ago, I had a reconstructive tummy tuck. I was middle heavy so when I lost the weight, I had a huge "skin apron" that hung down to my thighs. I had the tummy tuck and have had a (relatively) flat stomach since then. I've grown accustomed to my flat stomach. And I'm moderately repulsed by my growing stomach - but only because my brain is trying to tell me that it's ALL FAT. It's not!! I know it's not.
Stragers notice that I'm pregnant, my belly is definatively round and high. But when I look in the mirror, it's hard not to poke and it and find fault with it. Nevermind that I still have a relatively large behind and none too dainty thighs - my brain has found peace with that. But the tummy - that's sending me into a tailspin. I'm avoiding mirrors. I'm on the verge of finding a counselor to just talk this out and make sure I'm not completely losing my mind. It feels that way.
I feel like the tummy is a result of the constant eating (without the constant eating, it becomes a cycle of constant throwing up - it would be a dream come true if I didn't already have VOLUMES of eating issues going on). I feel angry with myself for eating and getting a big tummy. It's NOT rational. It's NOT logical. It's warped. but it's there.

anyway - that's all I have to report for now - I'm way behind on reading blogs and frustrated because I can't comment from work (filters!) - but I'm trying to catch up with all my blogland friends!!

Happy Friday Everyone!
LauraLynne

why am I excited about 205??

2011-02-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

well...because that means that even while baby's growing, I'm keeping my weight steady!! It's funny how staying the same feels like a win right now. I'm making healthy choices most of the time but I'm not limiting much (I'm even not doing great on the candy front - when I feel icky and tired and *fill in the blank* I really just can't stop thinking about it - Addicted? *sigh*)
But I'm walking a little more - just little stuff, parking farther, getting off the bus earlier, walking around work - but it all counts.
It's funny how it's easy to give someone else credit for their small steps when it's hard to credit ourselves - anyone else feel that way? I commented on a fellow blogger about she is walking home from work - it's 3 miles. She was bummed about walking and I commented that it counts for activity points (she's doing WW). And while I'm not doing WW, I don't give myself any credit for walking to/from the bus (3/4 mile each way) and the walking I do at work etc. In my brain - for me - it only counts if I'm walking for pure exercise. So I'm trying to change that. It does count. Even for me!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

it's Monday! that means I survived the weekend, right?

2011-01-31T13:26:00.000-08:00

well, the jury's still out but I'd say I mostly survived. I ate pretty healthy - no candy...until...*sigh* Cadbury Creme eggs. I had to return a redbox movie to the grocery store (you know, the VERY store I've been avoiding!?!) and I went by myself. I also had to pick up some more Unisom (I've got hyperemisis and Unisom keeps the morning sickness/throwing up under control enough to avoid ER visits). As I practically ran from the back of the store (where the Unisom is) to the register (where the Cadbury Eggs are) I mentally argued with myself and lost. I picked up ONE Cadbury eggs (which I count as a victory - I usually eat them in pairs AND they were on sale 2 for $1 - a trick my brain readily falls for). I unwrapped it before I left the store, tossed the wrapper in the can out front, and gobbled that egg down before I pulled into my driveway less than 2 minutes later.
I'm so ashamed. But I'm not letting it derail me. I did well the rest of the weekend and I'm willing to forgive myself one sweet (but off-limit) treat.
For the record, my list of justificiations:

it was only one
it's not a candy bar - you'll have to be more SPECIFIC next time when you say 'candy'
I can eat it before I get home
nobody will know
you did SO well the last 48 hours, you deserve a treat
tomorrow's monday, start again
Tuesday's a new month, start again
you don't feel good, you deserve this
a bunch of other things that I don't really have words for - just a giant flood of emotions

None of those really justify breaking abstinence. Not at all. So I'm moving forward. Today I will not eat candy. Including Cadbury Eggs. I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow.

In baby news - my husband commented yesterday as I was stepping out of the shower "you're getting a belly on you!" My reply? "where have you BEEN the last several weeks?!" I need to take a picture - I'm not just showing, I'm getting asked about my due date, I'm getting seats on the bus, I've packed away all my pre-pregnancy clothes, I'm only wearing pants with elastic waistbands...HELLO HUBBY!!

I need opinions....he's thinking that after our "big" ultrasound, we'll throw a party to announce if this is a boy or a girl. We had a pizza dinner for our closest friends and family to announce our pregnancy and while I'm THRILLED he's excited - I'm a little anxious about all the attention. And another party feels like too much attention. What have other people done? What are your thoughts on having an "announce the sex" party? I'd be excited to be invited to one - thrilled to lavish attention on my friends - but being the center of attention is not my strong suit. (On the other hand I'm picturing requesting people to wear Pink or Blue and then pitting them against each other in games of chance until we finally reveal the winning "Team"....but that sounds an awful lot like something from a TV sitcom AKA "Cheesy")

That's all the news for now!!
TTFN,
LauraLynne

Day 3 - no candy - so far so good

2011-01-28T09:42:00.000-08:00

And by Good I mean "Good LORD this is hard". *sigh*

Today's Friday - and I've got a fridge stocked with healthy food so my resolve is to not go to the grocery store/convenience store/mini mart so that I can avoid the temptation of buying candy.
We had an open house at my husband's shop yesterday - I single handed-ly served food to 200 men with only 2 crock pots and a electric griddle. 20 cans of chili, 15 pounds of meatballs, and 2 family size jars of BBQ sauce were the 'main course'. Side dishes were bags of chips, veggie and fruit trays, and cookies. Nothing fancy - these are car aficionado's, not food critics. Today I'm beat. Very tired, very sore, and really just READY for the weekend.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

why pregnancy and food addiction don't go well together

2011-01-26T12:36:00.000-08:00

As a food addict, I eat when I'm tired, emotional, bored, etc. I struggle to deal with the emotions directly, instead I eat. At 17 weeks pregnant, I'm always tired and especially emotional. With excessive morning sickness, I am REQUIRED to eat all day long, never having an empty tummy (or else it starts a downward spiral of yuckiness).
This combo is tough to combat.
I'm really struggling.
Mostly I'm struggling with knowing the right answer and not doing it.

The answer is healthy choices. And most of the time I make great choices. But when I get off track, it's HUGE. It's not a mini-candy, it's several king size. (I'm *eye rolling* myself right here). Instead of surgery on my stomach 10 years ago, I should have had surgery on my brain.

So how do I tap into DOING the right thing again. I've been toying again with the idea of going to OA. Just to do SOMETHING. Some Action. A first step (no pun intended). The meeting is less than 2 miles away from my son's baseball on Saturday mornings but starts 1/2 hour earlier - I may go scope it out to see if my son can walk safely from the meeting to baseball - or if I can drop him off a little early. I need to do something.
I also need to start MOVING again. I've been a lump on a log since the positive pregnancy test. I haven't run (that feels entirely out of the question at this point) but I haven't walked or anything lately. Even just 20 minutes a day. I have to lose the "go big or go home" and concentrate on baby steps (ok - that pun WAS intended! *grin*). I just printed out the swim schedule - I will have to avoid the hot tub (gosh darn it!) but I think that getting 30 minutes of swim in a couple times a week along with some 20-30 minute walks should be enough to keep the scale from going up too fast.
And I need to start eliminating foods again. I SO want to tell you I'm ready for that. I WANT to be ready for that. That struggle is what tells me that I NEED TO DO THIS.
Ok. I will not go down to the vending machine right now. that was the plan. I have the coins laid out on my desk. I had a plan. But today I will not eat Candy.
I have no plan for tomorrow, Today is Day 1, no candy. this time it's not just for me.

I will eat a pear instead.

Meanwhile things are going well with Baby Love...we are 17 weeks today, my tummy is already getting huge, I'm feeling VERY pregnant and not even halfway. I'm exhausted all. the. time. I'm having VIVID dreams for what feels like all night long - some very graphic (last night I dreamt I held the baby through my skin! ewww), some very fun and detailed, some very vague. But I wake up feeling not very rested. I try not to complain (other than here) because I really am very grateful for this healthy pregnancy...but WOW...I forgot just how hard this is!! short breath, my stomach growls full OR empty, the exhaustion... There are good things - I've got porn star boobs, a healthy, growing baby inside me, stretchy waistband pants, feeling Baby Love rolling around, and generally a feeling of amazement.

Time to come clean - and start blogging again with NEWS!

2011-01-24T11:48:00.000-08:00

I've been avoiding the blogging world - for a couple reasons. My eating has been horrible. Well, maybe not horrible but definately not brag-worthy or blog-worthy. I've been embarassed at how much I've regressed back into old eating habits.
The other reason is I've been keeping a secret but it's time to come clean.
I've been gaining weight - only a little - and with my doctor's full permission. As of today, I'm 16weeks 4 days pregnant, and this one's here to stay!
I'm excited. And nervous. And sick as a dog with morning sickness. I've used all of the above as an excuse to jump off the wagon (and load it with junk food to drag around with me all day). I've had chips and candy and sugar - and not in small quantities. I now weight 205. Up from 190. But holding steady and fully aware of the changes I need to make - again.
Mostly my problem is that I have morning sickness 24 hours a day. It's like really bad motion sickness ALL THE TIME. So while I KNOW I need to eat on a regular basis, nothing sounds appealing and (warning - gross ahead) I have to consider what it will feel like if it comes back on me. (end warning).
So I've been eating all my "comfort" foods - which, if I want to be honest with myself - are my addiction foods.
In the back of my mind, I know fully well that they really DON'T taste as fabulous as I'd like them to taste - right now I actually enjoy the taste of STRONG flavors. Chocolate and chips are NOT strong flavors. Garlic hummus, anything with jalepenos, and ethnic foods ARE strong flavors. And veggies and fruit are slowly being put back in my daily diet. I had a "craving" for McDonalds early on - their hamburgers of all things (which normally I HATE). I've banned myself from fast food again. There's nothing there I HAVE to have. I know that.
So now, after a whole weekend of dreaming about my blog - I will start using it again as one of my tools for getting back on track. And sharing my awesome news!
Mostly this will still be about my struggle with food. But there will be baby/pregnancy stuff talked about too. The ratio is still to be decided.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

still alive - glorious Christmas - and looking forward to 2011

2010-12-30T10:57:00.000-08:00

I'm still "off the wagon" but maintaining my weight. I'm struggling on all fronts but still alive. I'm using the last couple days of 2010 to just release the guilt and on Monday I will post new goals and start over again.

2011 is going to be EPIC!

checking in - hanging in there - and there's a Holiday coming??

2010-12-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

Hee...ya, I just realized that Christmas is like...NEXT WEEKEND!! Um. I'd better start shopping.

We have plans for this holiday - our families are overwhelming at the holidays and trying to juggle everything and everyone is always more than we care to think about. And - I think like a lot of people - we get into the middle of it, throw our hands up and say "next year we're going into HIDING for Christmas!!"

Well, this year we sort of ARE! We rented a house on the Oregon coast and we leave on Wednesday, come home on Sunday. Christmas just the 4 of us - I know it won't be perfect but it will be GREAT! I'm working on the menu for while we're there - healthy and clean foods! I'm bringing warm clothes for long walks on the beach, we're bringing boards games, the Wii, and NO computers! Can you tell I'm excited!

I'm still pretty distracted by stress and it's showing in what I eat. I'm not binging but I'm not abstaining either. I wouldn't call it a happy medium - but I would call it "surviving". And it's the best I've got for now.
I'm maintaining my weight AND my sanity. I haven't been reading other blogs - I've been falling asleep so early at night, I'm just exhausted with everything going on. But that means less hours of eating, right? I mean if I'm asleep by 10 instead of midnight - that's one less snack (healthy or not) that I'm eating. (I'm still the queen of Rationalizing...sigh)

In our puppy news - we're working on getting the rescue we adopted her from closed down. For good. I've since found out some pretty heinous information about them and will begin a sincere campaign to have their doors closed and penalties enforced. They KNEW they had parvo in their house. They adopted out a dog recently who contracted it and survived. So bringing in a litter of puppies into a parvo infected house - and then DENYING it is downright irresponsible and inhumane. Am I angry? You bet I am. I still picture those last 6 days of that puppy fighting for her life. And ultimately losing. And now OUR house is infected with parvo - which means no puppies or un-vaccinated dogs for AT LEAST a year - more if we want to be safe about it. We WILL be doing the responsible thing in that regard.

I hope every one's Holidays are going well - that your journeys are still moving in the direction you planned and that love and the spirit of Christmas is alive for all of you!!

*hugs*

LauraLynne

good news bad news

2010-12-11T16:28:00.000-08:00

yesterday was definately a low point. Our puppy was doing so well but ran out of fight. She passed yesterday afternoon. 2 dogs in 4 months. We still have one at home and I can only pray he stays healthy for a long time. I don't know how much more I can stand. I need to recognize that I've got a healthy family and be grateful. But I miss her. She was only in our lives for 1.5 weeks - just enough to love her deeply and miss her.

On the good news front - I finally got off my butt and exercized - boot camp for 20 minutes and Wii Fit for 15. Not earth shattering but moving. Tonight we have a Christmas party to go to and I'm hoping that the recent memory of movement will help me remember to stick to my plan. And tomorrow there will be another bootcamp. At least 20 minutes if not the full 30. (the disadvantage of doing it at home is that I can quit before all 5 sets are done...)

Down to 191.4 this morning. I will do measurements soon - a little overdue but what new.

Hope everyone's having a great weekend - I miss staying caught up on blogs - I need to work on that as well - I just haven't had the *whatever* to sit at the computer for very long let alone focus. Please forgive me.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

a few more details about what's going on...

2010-12-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a killer couple of weeks - some medical decisions that were stressful (but all A-OK now), a new puppy, a very sick puppy, a nearly dead puppy and 3+ nights of no sleep.

Stress has been at an all time high. And while that's no excuse - well, it's BEEN my excuse. I've been just out of control enough to feel guilty. But not gain weight. But realize some very important things. I am a food addict. And I'm not sure - no - I AM sure: That will never change. I can continue to try and control it. And I will try and control it 100% of the time. But there are times that I will relapse. And like all addicts, what counts is picking myself up and starting over again. I'm hanging steady at 192.0 - which on one hand is good on the other hand it's telling my brain that the junk I'm eating won't make me gain weight (BULLCRAP it won't!) I haven't been working out - I've been exhausted in the true medical sense of the word.

But I know that working out leads to better sleep which leads to all sorts of great things. So tonight I will work out - by bleaching my whole house.

which leads me to our puppy story.
We brought home a rescue puppy on Tuesday Nov. 30. She's an 8 week old boxer pup. She and our 3.5 year old boy boxer get along famously!! Sunday night she started throwing up. And had stinky, liquid poo (sorry...that's gross). We thought it was her getting adjusted to new food, new surroundings, and maybe she got into something she shouldn't have. Monday still throwing up but still 100% puppy energy so we figured it wasn't anything serious. That changed when Monday night to Tuesday morning her energy disappeared, the throwing up got worse and so did the other end. First thing Tuesday we took her to the vet - diagnosis: Parvo. Deadly. Serious. The first vet wanted to hospitalize her and rehydrate. I went to our other vet and begged them to teach me how to administer the sub Q IV and treat her at home. Not only couldn't we justify the $2000+ for the first vet, but the home health care she would be with people who loved her round the clock.

Today she's still not out of the woods - but she's still with us. I'm doing the IV, anti-biotics, and anti-emetics through the night while my husband does them during the day. I'm exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I know this will all be worth it. She will either pass knowing she is loved and cared for or she will fight her way back to health and know she is loved and cared for. And eventually I'll get some sleep.

so while I'm off the wagon, the wagon is still in sight. And I will climb back on and ride it off into the sunset - hopefully with a puppy galloping along side.

I vow to start blogging more - that is one of the keys to my recovery. Staying focused and accountible. It's far to easy to hide under the covers with a pice of chocolate than it is to know that you're going to make your story - sins and all - public.

So stay tuned, thanks for hanging in there with me - and let's DO this!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

checking in - day 1 again.

2010-12-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

Stress level is at an all time high - our puppy is sick, there's some family stuff going on and I turned to food. Candy.
But I've started over again and I can do this again. I'll update more later - when I've gotten some sleep and can type without massive numbers of typos.
Weight is 192.0, moral is on the rise.

coming out of my slump - and a new puppy!

2010-12-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

I've been in a slump - blog silence on my end usually means just that. I've been struggling to keep up my healthy eating and I haven't been working out. My weight has stayed the same but that's NOT my goal in this journey. I'm hanging out at 191 still - so close to 180's. But I'm really mentally struggling. It's been cold. I've been exhausted. I haven't felt 100% well. I've got a million other excuses. I've spent 42 years making excuses. I'm a freaking Excuse Expert.
I'm signed up for a 5k on 12/12 - so I'd better get my butt in gear. I'm contemplating a 1/2 marathon in April - I'd better get my butt in gear. I've lost 49 pounds and have 41 more to go - I'd better get my butt in gear.

If only it were as easy to DO as it were to say. I've cheated on my abstinence foods - sugar AND candy. Still no chips - as if there's solace in that. But today's a new day and Day 1 again.

And tonight I'll do my bootcamp at home - 30 minutes of sweat inducing exercise. Even if the new puppy lucks my toes the whole time!

8 week old Sadie

August we lost our oldest boxer Gunner, his brother Houdini has missed him (we have too...). Sadie joined our family yesterday - 8 weeks old, 5-ish pounds - she's a handful but oh so very very sweet!! Cuddly and people oriented. House training has begun - crate training and commands will follow that. Puppy school maybe for this one! I need to train her to run with me too - boxers need a lot of exercise and while we walk Houdini - he's too random to run with. He swerves!!

So there you have it - check in from Guilty-land. But I'm still here, still accountable, and still willing and able to do this!!

TTFN,

LauraLynne

well, that didn't go as planned...

2010-11-26T09:41:00.000-08:00

Let's just say that I'm pretending yesterday never happened.
In summary:
Waffles (with syrup) for breakfast
Nap
delivering pies to my grandparents
making pie for dinner
heading to my mom's
dinner
candy
more dinner
poker
candy
desert

I'm not proud. I had plans - I had a strategy. I have to figure out a better plan for Christmas. Because today I feel (physically) BLARG!

Today's a new day - I had a few leftovers for breakfast - turkey and a little bit of green beans (one of the dishes I didn't try last night). Tonight I will be doing bootcamp...and then spend some time on the spinner.

And avoid the scale until Monday - hoping to spend the weekend back on track enough to not undo the last bit of my hard work.

I'm disappointed. But trying not to beat myself up.

How did everyone else do?

TTFN,
LauraLynne

downhill slide...

2010-11-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

not only is there snow and ice everywhere....but my eating hasn't been great either. I've been avoiding blogs and blogging. Major case of guilt. I haven't been feeling great - emotionally - just teenager stuff and out lash after the dad visit. I knew it was coming but even braced for it, I wasn't prepared.
I had McDonalds for the first time in 11 months. And it was good. No. Really. Geesh. I wanted it to taste bad, too feel sick afterwards. But nope. And today I snitched a bite of pumpkin pie filling.
I want to say "...in the scheme of things not too bad" but that's just justifying. And it's the first step onto a VERY slippery slope.
I haven't worked out since Saturday - which for some people is solidly average but for me - it's bad. And while the scale hasn't punished me appropriately (yet) I know it's coming. It has to. And the old me is ready with excuses.
I'm so close to 180's. So very very close. And for some reason, that scares the daylights out of me. Because I still don't see myself as thinner - not in my head. In my clothes, in the mirror - I see the changes. But in my head I still THINK like a fat girl. I want candy. Treats. Sweets. Food. For emotional hunger, not physical. I've been *THIS CLOSE* to buying a snickers bar. (I just rolled my eyes at myself - really)
I've spent the last several days baking. Right now in my house I have 2 batches of pumpkin crunch (like upside down pie with a maple-ish crust), 3 apple pies, 2 loaves of pumpkin bread, 3 loaves of fresh wheat bread, and 2 batches of apple scones.
Not for thanksgiving. Just because. Thanksgiving baking will be done Thursday morning. The rest of the baking was just boredom.
I mentioned we have snow. And ice. And I live at the top of a VERY steep hill. So I've been home from work since Friday. With both kids. Lord Help me. So instead of eating, I'm baking. And trying NOT to eat. I've had a few slip ups - McDonalds, toast (too much), and just too much snacking in general. And really, for me, it's not about the food I'm consuming but rather that food is consuming me.
Does that make sense? I think about it - I'm finding myself frighteningly close to throwing in the towel. And if I were reading that on someone else's blog I'd be screaming at my computer "look how far you've come - you're more than halfway there - you know what you need to do - just DO IT!"

And I'm trying to convince myself of those very facts. I'm down 48 pounds still. I only have 32 more to go. I'm still able to run and work out - I need to sign up for the at home boot camp, I'm delaying because...well, because I'm feeling dowdy and LAZY. Weather, kids, boredom at work, I'll start tomorrow... - I've got the excuses lined up and ready to go.

But I need to just get my act together and do this the Way I know how to do it!!!

Thanks for letting me confess. I will get back on track. I can do it!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Friday by the numbers!

2010-11-19T11:14:00.000-08:00

Today's weigh in - because I know you all waiting the whole week for this - right?! :)

191.0

I am so close to seeing 18x.x that I can taste it!! The scale was all over the place this week but today is the lowest from the week so I'm happy with that. I need to start training again. I'm still struggling with the blahs.

The fun numbers this week are my BMI. I hadn't checked it in awhile.
January:
5'-6" - 240 - 38.7

Now:
5'-6" (why can't I get taller as I get lighter?!) - 191 - 30.8

I'm still classified as Obese. But in 6 pounds - one month or so - I won't be! 185 pounds puts me at 29.8, only Overweight. 155 - only 36 pounds away now - will put me at "normal". which would be funny if they were talking about my character - but instead is exciting since they're talking about my BMI.

tomorrow is my last boot camp at the location - next week will be the big test - I will have the at home boot camp and will have to challenge myself to still stick to it. I haven't signed up for a Thanksgiving Day 5k but will instead run one on my own. And maybe drag a kid or 2 along with me. And sweet talk Hubby too. Or he can man a water station - hee!

I still can't wrap my head around the weather around here. I'm just blah. I fall asleep early - I mean come one! It's dark at 4freaking30 in the daytime!! So by 8:30 it feels like bedtime!

And "hey Kids! get off my lawn!"

Yes. I'm getting old. But it sure beats the alternative!

Ok - time to get to work. I'm leaving early today to go hang with the hubby - maybe catch a matinee movie! We'll see. I need to plan out my baking and go shopping for the weekend.

We're also going to pick up my new (to me) car! Toyota Corolla. Which has heat at my toes!! My current ride is a VW convertible - which has defrost (thank God) but no heat anywhere else. So my toes are permanently frozen. The new car needs some work. But hubby is a genius mechanic - among other things - so this car has come to the right home for some TLC.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

winter blahs...

2010-11-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

and winter isn't even here yet! Our weather (Seattle) has been, well, blah. It's typical but it seems like every year my reaction to it is worse. And this year it's awful. Mid-November and I'm tired of it already.

but in the past, it was easier to "enjoy". Cold weather meant more eating! It was 'justified'. Chili, lots of baking, heavy carb meals - it's winter!! This year is different. I'm snacking on pears, apples, and satsuma oranges. I'm eating light meals and I haven't transitioned to my "winter menu" (aka overeating). This is going to be tough. Not a hurdle I anticipated at all. I figured that my journey would continue exactly the same.

Silly me.

It's cold outside so bundling up for a run is - well, it hasn't happened in a week now. I'm freezing all the time with 49 less pounds of fat to insulate me. I'm already a cold person so this is excruciating. I'm thinking about breaking down and buying some decent winter workout gear - but it's so expensive! Frugal-me and cold-me are battling it out.

I'm planning on baking this weekend - it's Thanksgiving next week after all! I bring desserts - my pie is clamored after. So this weekend I'll start baking - my grandparents will receive the first batch. This is their first year not living independantly. They're 96 & 94 and until 2 months ago lived 100% independantly. Now they're in a senior living situation with meals etc cooked for them (they go to a cafeteria to eat). So I'm baking up some goodies to bring to them. And testing some new receipes to bring to my mom's Thanksgiving dinner. And baking some bread, making some fresh bagels, and generally keeping busy and heating up the house with the oven. :)

I'm wanting to make some freezer meals too - life's been so hectic lately that I feel like I've neglected the family dinner situation. And I've had time to cook - since I wasn't out running - but I need to reverse that a little. Make ahead meals are always satisfying. I know they're healthy and my kids can warm them up while I'm out running. It only makes sense. But this weekend is baking, I think cooking will have to be next weekend!

This morning was my before last Aim to Be Fit bootcamp - I paid for 6 weeks on a special deal (Shout Out to Groupon!!) - and my last class is Saturday. The trainer has a special "do it yourself fitness" that he offers that's basically bootcamp at home. so I'll try that. I love the program - I'm seeing the results - so I'll keep it up at home. (*note* No affiliation, no special deal for mentioning him - I just love the camp THAT much!).

So my plan for this upcoming week? Bake this weekend - get at least SOME running in - and stick to my eating plan even through the holiday. And maybe look into some of those seasonal lights for people with SAD just to get some Vitamin D! OH! And I'm going on a bike ride Sunday afternoon (it's supposed to be 50 - that's practically a heat wave!)

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Tonight's dinner...

2010-11-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

The last several weeks have been busy - hectic - crazy and packed! I haven't had chance to shop, plan, cook or eat a real sit down dinner. We've eaten at restaurants and snacked in front of the TV (healthy snacks - I've been on plan - just haven't had a family dinner at the kitchen table in WEEKS!).

Tonight I came home - a little late but still determined. My son followed my instructions and cooked pasta, ground turkey meat, spaghetti sauce and asparagus. We had spaghetti, at the table, with all Four of us! I ate only a spoonful of noodles but a handful of asparagus - both covered with turkey meat sauce. I'm pleasantly full, both physically and emotionally.

It's been a tough week with my ex. in town, some typical teenage stuff, vacation (which while nice does throw every one's schedule off). So tonight was just what the Dr. ordered.

And now I'm going to watch a little Biggest Loser, shed a few tears, and snuggle with hubby (who has hopefully forgotten about the pool and will maybe come with me tomorrow night?!)

Biggest Loser spoiler - WTF? Ada's family couldn't even put a tiny effing video together for her? I'm so heartbroken for her and the lack of support she obviously has at home). My family is messed up but I'd like to think that they would at least fake it for the sake of reality TV. Come on people!!

Ok. Back to the TV and the hubby!! G'night folks!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

tried to go swimming tonight - and why Hubby will never go again...

2010-11-16T13:07:00.000-08:00

headed to the pool last night with family in tow. Hubby and son at least - 16 year old girl is grounded without oxygen. Well, ok, she's allowed oxygen but it was a tough negotiation.

Hubby's not a fan of public pools - he's grossed out by the idea of all the germs and bodily fluids that are just floating around in there. So when he asked to go last night, I was elated! Swimming has been so solitary for me - and if they were coming, I could use THEM as an excuse to go on the rope swing that I usually just watch during my laps....

I began to worry a little when we walked past the window and nobody was in there - was the pool closed? Were we early? As we walked up to the front desk, I asked "where is everyone - is the pool closed?"
She quickly - and seemingly routinely answered: "the pools is being super chlorinated. There was a contamination earlier" but that wasn't enough. She continued: "a little boy POOPED in the pool!"

I quickly turned towards my husband for his reaction. This IS his worst nightmare (well, outside of being IN the pool when it happened). He blanched. Reflexively took a step backwards. And determinedly set his jaw in his "see - I TOLD you so" face.

I was trying to figure out how to put the words BACK in the lifeguard's mouth or turn back the hands of time or something! Any hope I had of hubby going swimming with me was fading fast.

We got our free family pass (for next time? hmmmm) and headed back outside for the walk home (pool is only about 1/2 mile from the house). the discussion was rather hillarious. My husband telling me about his worst pool fears and how he was never going again. And me trying to reassure them that at least they were on top of the problem and super chlorinating the pool. He argues that bleach can't possibly kill everything that's in kid poop - and I knew I had lost this arguement and changed the topic.

So - no swimming last night. And maybe no swimming again ever for my hubby.

Bummer!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

what's YOUR plan?

2010-11-14T07:53:00.000-08:00

We are closing in fast on the holidays - typically the toughest time of the year for trying to lose weight and stay healthy. How do you plan on handling it? There's more than the usual stressors to deal with - pressure all around us to 'eat eat eat!' - people who don't understand our struggle and think that one day of gluttony is acceptable (and for some it is....don't get me wrong, my issues aren't your issues or their issues, they're mine). How do you plan on handling it?
Are you hosting any holiday dinners? Are you cooking any differently? Do you have multiple meals to attend in singular days (we finally put a stop to that a few years ago - it's just TOO crazy!). Does your family overeat - do they have weight issues?

For me - my family is a key trigger for me - most of them aren't terribly overweight and none of them completely understand my struggle. So holidays are difficult for me no matter what my weight status is - and this year more so because not one single person in my (etended) family understands why I'm abstaining from certain foods. So we'll be around for Thanksgiving but we are literally escaping for Christmas.

My plan:
dinner is at my mom's house - she's an amazing cook so I'm plan on being overwhelmed at first. Just really overwhelmed. And I know it will be a struggle not to just eat and eat and eat - it's always delicious. So I will go in the door knowing that it's overwhelming - admitting that it's going to be a struggle. And knowing that I will not just give in this year. I will bring a water bottle with me and sip on that rather than nibble until dinner is served. I will eat salad and veggies before I dive into the rest of the food. I want to not be physically hungry when I start eating. And then I will choose my meal the same way I serve myself at home. Using the tools I've developed over the last 11 months - keeping portions small and choices wise. And I will not go back for seconds.

I am bringing dessert - I make great pies. So that part of the meal I will just relish (hopefully) in the praise while everyone else eats them all gone! I will probably just slice up and apple for myself instead of apple pie - and only if I'm truly hungry again by the time we eat desert.

And we will NOT be taking leftovers home. One of the benefits of going to my mom's for the holiday dinner is that we get to leave all the yummy stuff behind!

Christmas we are spending on the Oregon coast - we're renting a vacation house for 4 days and bringing groceries. We'll be spending time as a family, playing games, going for walks, cell phones and computers will NOT be part of our holiday. Nor will overeating.

I'm so close to having lost 50 pounds. And while January is typically the time of renewal and new goals etc - I do NOT want to use that as an excuse to lose the ground I've gained since I began this journey. I'd like to start the new year at 185 - down 6 pounds from where I am now - and set my "new year's goal" at losing the final 35 to get to goal.

Can you imagine? instead of 90 pounds to lose, I will have the goal of losing 35. I am going to put that number on a sticky note on my bathroom mirror. Just to keep reminding myself.

In other news - and a bit of a brag - I stopped at a friend's house yesterday to drop some stuff off - she and her husband haven't seen me in awhile - they follow my facebook status and know that I've lost weight - but their reaction was priceless. And I find a little joy in how people try and compliment how I look but at the same time try not to admit that yes, before, I was FAT! It's awkward a little for them - and I try to reassure them. It's not like I didn't know what I used to look like!

Ok - that's it for now - I've got a mile long list of stuff to get done today!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

I just want to say..

2010-11-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

I'm having a super shitty day and I'm pissed off because I can't eat my troubles away. And while I DO know that after eating the trouble only multiplies - I'm still pissed off. I want my food back.

*stomping my foot*

Who can I sue for this craptastic hand I was dealt and this stupid addiction. Why can't I be normal and - well - hell if I even know what normal IS!?!

Ok. Deep breath. Back to my lunch of a salad and some brown rice. I'll just pretend it's giant heaping spoonfulls of mac and cheese, cheesy potato mushroom bake, and a family size bag of chips.

PS. Does anyone want a 16 year old school skipping but otherwise pretty good teenage girl???? Please?!! Disclaimer: She likely has the same food addictions and binge tendencies I do.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Weigh in - food police - and feelings!

2010-11-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

well, even without doing a lot of training - ok, no training this week except boot camp - I'm still losing weight. I've been really careful about what I put in my mouth, especially because I haven't been running, biking, or swimming...
So not only do I come back from vacation having lost weight - but I continued losing weight this week!

Official weigh in:

191.2 pounds

I can't believe it when I look at that number. That's how much I weigh. Me! I'm seeing so many changes in my body right now - the lumps and bumps I used to focus on are melting away. My legs are starting to look like legs and less like well...I don't even know how to describe how I saw my legs.

Abstaining from certain foods really seems to be the key for me. There are bowls everywhere here at work of people bringing in their leftover candy. And I recognize from my impulses just how much of that candy I would have eaten.
Just one.
Just one - from every bowl.
Just one - from every bowl - every time I passed.
Just one - from every bowl - every time I passed - plus a few to keep at my desk in case the bowl's empty when I pass again

You see how that math works right? It doesn't.

But I don't have the option of just one. And I struggle with it in the moment. But while the struggle is still hard - my brain fights it - how long it lasts after I walk away is getting shorter. Now, by the time I get back to my desk, I've forgotten completely about the candy.

It's refreshing. It's a relief. And on one hand I feel like I've delegated the responsibility to someone else - but that someone else IS me. I've just installed Food Police 1.0 in my brain and FP1.0 is policing the foods I'm abstaining from. And I'm starting to be ok with the idea of "no more xyz EVER". It doesn't scare me like it used to.

Relief. A burden lifted. Hope. Those are bubbling to the surface these days. And it feels good.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Breaking down a craving….

2010-11-11T13:21:00.001-08:00

I’m sitting here at work – my tummy’s relatively full of a delicious lunch – half a tuna sandwich and 2 satsuma oranges. I’ve been drinking my water and I’ve got no complaints…except there’s a rumbling in my brain.

Bread. My brain wants bread. Any kind of bread. Toast would be nice. But a bagel would work – toasted just enough. The topping doesn’t matter. Crackers would work but they’re on the Abstain list. But as I examine this craving I break it down.

Why? I mean why bread, why now – why?

I try and think of what PART of the bread I’m craving – the texture? The flavor? The chewing? The hunger? I can’t put my finger on it. There’s no solid reason for wanting some bread right now. I mean, it does taste good – but food is for hunger. And I’m not hungry. And it smells good – but so does an orange or a pear or the roma tomatoes I have in the work fridge here.

Is there some correlation to needing the carbs? Some mysterious blood sugar foreshadowing? I’d like to think that if my brain can predict the future, it would come up with lotto numbers, not blood sugar levels.

So what is it?

My addiction? The emotional need to eat? Knowing that if I eat bread now, it might create “real” hunger later?

Even knowing it’s not a ‘real need’ – knowing it’s emotional and an addiction – the urge is still there. I’m fighting it and will hopefully win.

I saw 191.6 on the scale this morning. I want to see something in that ballpark again tomorrow for my weigh in. Bread won’t get me there. At least not as an emotional snack 20 minutes after lunch ended. So I’ll try to fight my brain – conquer my addiction. And stay on my journey.

TTFN,

LauraLynne

I let an anniversary go by and what they don't tell you about weightloss surgery

2010-11-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

I've been spending less time online at home - I get email on my phone so I delete the junk and save the rest to read on the laptop at home. Last night I finally got to my email and there was one that I had glanced at on my phone but hadn't read.

"congratulations on your WLS anniversary"

Oh ya. I kind of forgot. I often forget I'm a bypass patient. Especially when I still struggle every day with food and food choices. But they don't tell the whole story when you hear about weightloss surgery - it deals with the physical aspects of over eating. But leaves the rest of it - and that's a mighty amount - to surface later.

My story:

At 300+ pounds, I had the usual trouble that comes with obesity – walking up stairs, finding decent clothes, self esteem, and health problems. I had sleep apnea that was ruining my life and my health. I had 2 small children I couldn’t keep up with. I was losing hope rapidly.

I first started researching Gastric Bypass in 1998 – my mom mentioned it to me in passing and it got stuck in my head as a viable option. I had tried everything else.

That seems to be the common phrase among Gastric Surgery patients.

During my year long research (and insurance battle) I found several online support forums and formed friendships there. We were all eager to get the surgery and start losing weight for the final time. Or what we thought was the final time. During my research I had some memorable moments – the low point being a surgeon who encircled my pudgy wrist with his fingers and says “I can make you a size 2”. I pictured myself as a skeleton. I wasn’t vain, I didn’t want to get “skinny” – just healthy. There was a distinct difference in my head. The high point was finding a surgeon who listened to my request and offered a “Bypass lite” – less intestines bypassed, fewer nutritional deficiencies afterwards, but potentially less weight loss. I was sold.

Nov. 8, 2001 – I had my RNY.

Things went well – 2 weeks post surgery I was re-admitted for dehydration but otherwise things went just as they should. That’s not to say it wasn’t difficult. Anyone who says Gastric Bypass is the “easy way out” can kiss my butt. My best friend – food – was no longer available to me. I could eat one teaspoon of food at a time. I had to drink water at timed intervals and not around the time I was trying to get massive amounts of protein in 1 oz at a time. I struggled emotionally with all of this. I feared I was “doing it wrong”. Most days I came close – but in my brain it had to be perfect or the surgery – and my last chance – would be another failure.

I remember reading other bypass patients accounts of “eating a slice of pizza” or some other “forbidden” food and my brain screamed out at them: Why would you DO that?! You’ve just had surgery, obesity is serious, and you’re trying to eat pizza! The rules – don’t you remember the rules?!?!

But here’s what they don’t tell you. Most obese people didn’t get obese merely by eating too much food. Granted, that’s the physical reason – but for the majority of obese people, there are severe emotional issues that contributed to eating the food. Surgery does nothing for those issues. Nothing. They’re still there, waiting to re-emerge. They stay hibernating while you go through great changes – losing weight, finding a balance between eating what you’re supposed to, drinking enough water, and finally getting some form of daily exercise. You’re too busy figuring out the ins and outs of post surgery life that the issues just lay there, waiting.

Mine started in October of 2002 – nearly one year post op. I was down to around 185 pounds and holding steady. Running or walking on the treadmill daily, enjoying shopping for size 10/12 clothes, and I considered myself, generally, a success story. I was researching plastic surgeons – I had excessive tummy skin that I wanted gone – and trying to find a way to pay for that. I was in the middle of a divorce (something else they don’t tell you – your relationship with your spouse/partner WILL change – of all my weight loss surgery friends, NONE have stayed married. We're talking several DOZEN friends and an equal number of divorces/break ups) and struggling to figure out single parenting and a full time job. Stress was at an all time high. And my issues reared their head.

Gastric Bypass patients are told “no more sugar – ever” At least more than likely that’s the case. Because of the surgery, the sugar you ingest will end up in your blood stream faster than pre-surgery and it’s likely to make you feel very Not Well. It’s commonly referred to as “Dumping” (go ahead – Google it…I’ll wait for you to come back…)

I was scared to death of dumping – I’ll do just about anything to not throw up (not the worst of the dumping). So I avoided sugar. I even remember having somewhat of an aversion to it – it didn’t sound good to eat. Until the mercury in my stress thermometer shot out the top.

We were in the Halloween season – and all my pre-surgery favorite foods came in convenient handy snack size bars. This to my way of thinking was the perfect way to test if I could tolerate sugar. It was almost like a science experiment – I remember the emotions very vividly. I had one Hershey’s Kiss. And waited. I felt very guilty. And waited for the physical punishment – the dumping I had been warned about. But it didn’t come. Next time it was 2 kisses…and wait.

Still nothing. And I didn’t gain weight from 2 kisses. That was almost scarier than the idea of dumping. My brain equated candy with weight gain and I still wasn’t used to my new body. I still expected to be like Tom Hanks in “Big” and wake up 300 pounds again the next day. But it didn’t happen. I ate 3 kisses – no dumping and still the same size in the morning.

The emotional flood gates opened. I didn’t make the connection at the time – but this was my “pizza” moment. That revelation that the food I loved and the way I loved to eat it wasn’t dead. There was a blip on the monitor – and flash at the Frankenstein Castle – it was ALIVE!!

For the next several years, I focused on working out regularly and sticking to most of the rules. I still had a hard time eating large quantities (for post-bypass definition of large). But I pushed the envelope. I was playing with fire and not aware of what I was doing. I was not paying attention. I thought the ‘problem’ was solved – I was thinner. That was the goal, right? And by definition, I was a surgical success.

Because I chose a “lighter” version of the surgery, I had never envisioned myself as tiny – I figured size 8, size 10. I didn’t have goals beyond those numbers. I wanted to be under 190, that was a number I hadn’t seen in a long time.

At one year post op, I was around 185 and dealing with a lot of extra skin. I had been most heavy around the middle so I was left with a ‘skin apron’ that really distorted how I saw myself. I still had a pretty serious case of body dysmorphic disorder . What I saw in the mirror and what I really looked like was very different. Having lost 120 or so pounds, it was a definite improvement – but even after a year of losing weight, my image wasn’t anywhere near where I thought it should be – and the hanging skin was a distraction. So I scheduled surgery – scraped together money – and had the skin removed.

And that kept the eating under control again for awhile. I had just invested a very large sum of money on my appearance again and I was working out, staying within most of the eating boundaries the surgery set for me and I was about 180 pounds.

I didn’t keep a blog or journal during this time but I wish I had. I don’t know what changed – how it changed or when it changed. But at some point after the tummy tuck, I slipped back into some old habits. I began skipping workouts, eating more, and eating poorly. I was starting to snack again – something I had given up because of the surgery rules. I can’t pinpoint why. I would guess that it had everything to do with being comfortable with eating again (post surgery eating scares the heck out of most people – it’s VERY defined, VERY limited, VERY intimidating). I know that my issues were surfacing - I didn't realize it at the time.

Fast forward several years - I still have the tools to deal with over eating - counting calories, working out, etc. But I still haven't addressed the deeper issues. I keep putting band aids over gushing wounds. And while I would lose 20-30 pounds and get back under 200, because I wasn't dealing with the underlying issues, the weight would come back. This year I finally realized what needed to be done.

And I've been blogging and dealing openly with everything I'm going through. Some of you are just stumbling upon my tiny little blip on the internet and some of you have been with me from nearly the beginning. I've stuck with this and I'm still making progress 11 months later. And I'm abstaining from the foods that are my downfall. And I'm dealing with the issues that lead to over eating for me. And I'm trying to be open and honest about all of it in hopes someone else finds themselves on the same journey.

so there you go - an anniversary of sorts. But not one I celebrate - I merely note it casually.

but tomorrow?? Tomorrow I dance: 8 years to the day since my divorce was final!!

heehee - ok, I probably won't dance but I will definately smile a little bigger when the thought crosses my mind.
Maybe I'll hand him a Thank You card when I pick my kids up from him on Friday.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

NSV while in Vegas - the one that made me cry...

2010-11-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

so - first I need to give a little back story here. A group of women friends and I used to go to Vegas once a year for a motorcycle event called Femmoto - it was heavenly. All the manufacturers were there to allow us to test ride their latest motorcycles on the Las Vegas race track. Heavenly I tell you. Several years ago, after a long day at the track, we all headed back to our hotels to freshen up and then hit the town. The first part of the evening was to be spent shopping...you can see where this is going.
Let me just add that on the day I left for my trip, my work informed me that I wouldn't have a job when I returned. Thanks a-holes. The trip was already paid for so we went anyway.
I was tired, we'd just stuffed our faces at a buffet (my friends range in size from amazingly in shape to very normal - I was by far the largest - probably 225 or so at the time). We hit a few of the shops where I watched everyone else in the group go in, try stuff on, bond in the usually girly fashion over the top of the dressing room doors and in front of 3-way mirrors. An evil I try to avoid. My girlfriends were buying clothes right and left and I didn't even try anything on - why bother, these stores didn't make my size and I was unemployed. But I enjoyed watching my friends have fun.
Until we got to Victoria Secret. I couldn't even go in the store. I'm relatively large chested and big bottomed and Victoria Secret doesn't understand my body type. So I watched from a bench outside the store as my friends filled up their pink shopping totes with wonderful - matching - underware. My husband was the only one who saw the tears slip from my eyes. He tenderly wiped them up, went in the store, explained how tired we were and bid them all goodnight on our behalf.
Not my fondest memory.

This trip we headed to the stores again - window shopping and people watching. I'm not much of a shopper to start with. When I saw Victoria Secret, instead of flooding with the bad memories, I marched in and found an associate and timidly asked her to help me. When she asked what size I was - I just shrugged. I know my 38F is baggy on me - but what that translates to in Victoria Secret size...well, she grabbed a tape measure and we headed for a dressing room. She measured me while another associate jotted notes. They spoke back and forth in 'bra language' and finally turned to me and said "38C"

Huh? Nope. No way. Before I had time to process what that meant, they started asking me more questions I didn't understand (I thought a balcony was something Juliet stood on while Romeo woo'd her...). While one continued to pummel me with confusing questions, the other associate ran off to grab a box-o-bras labeled "38C".

Huh? It still wasn't sinking in.

They left me in peace with the box-o-bras and I started trying them on. There was overflow - they didn't fit. But not by much. And certainly not by the miles and miles I was expecting. So I hit the "help" button and requested the next cup size up.

All the bras in the "38D" box-o-bras DID fit. Me. They. Fit. Me. Me! After I chose my favorite style, they set me loose in the store - sent me in the direction to choose a color and/or print.

They didn't even MAKE a beige bra in the style and size I liked. I was elated. Overjoyed. Amazed. And near tears. Tears of joy this time. Not frustration or isolation. I picked a bra - and here's what nearly sent me over the top: I picked a MATCHING panty. And they weren't white, or beige, or black...they're spicy and colorful and FUN!

At this point my husband came looking for me - probably worried that I was balled up in the corner crying again. And I was panty shopping! I found a sale on some panties that have "cheeky" in the name - which is a far cry from the usual "brief" or "hipster" choices that have been my only options in the past. Checking out, they informed me that I'd earned a free Victoria Secret tote bag...me. I've never owned anything from Victoria Secret and now I have a bra, half a dozen panties, and a TOTE BAG! Me.

I held off the tears until the private hotel fashion show for my hubby. He's always made me feel sexy - but this time I started feeling sexy without his help. Does that even make sense?

So there ya go - another NSV. This journey is amazing - the weight loss isn't a surprise, I've done that before. But sustaining it, staying on the journey despite so many obstacles and really feeling like this time - this is it. The rewards are amazing - I could never have imagined some of the victories I've encountered. We all set rewards for ourselves - new jeans, new hair cut, massage, trips, etc. But this - this is more than I could have even dreamed of for myself. And so much more meaningful. Unplanned and out of the blue - rewards for hard work.

So maybe that's what they should be called. Instead of "Non Scale Victories" - they should be "Hard Work Rewards"

What's your latest HWR??

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Update #2 - weigh in and pictures!

2010-11-07T19:12:00.000-08:00

So I weighed in this morning - 192.2

Yes, I actually went on vacation and came home LIGHTER - I'm more excited than I can begin to explain. So many times - even at home - I feel like I'm on track, doing all the right things, get on the scale and WHAM - no loss or a gain for no explainable reason. So the fact that I was able to stay on track AND lose weight while on vacation...that reinforces the fact that abstinence is working for me. Long term.

Here are some progress pictures:
192.2 pounds

my butt isn't just smaller but the dimpling is going away - I'm amazed - simply amazed!

Say hello to my boxer dog: Houdini!

My Calves!! I can't get a good shot...but this gives you some idea...

Work in the morning - after a week off (I've never taken a week off before!) - I'm not looking forward to it but oh well - got to pay the bills!

Time to go watch a movie and hang out with hubby!

TTFN,

LauraLynne

Update #1 - measurements!

2010-11-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

Ok - I'm home, doing laundry - dropped the kids off with their dad (he was high, he takes massive doses of painkillers - pained ME to leave them there). Now I'm chilling - and I stepped gingerly on the scale and it's down - I'll have an "official" weigh in tomorrow morning since after dinner and at night doesn't really count...I just couldn't stop myself!
On to update #1 - measurements.

Arms: last month 14.5, this month 14.5 - no change in measurement but I see more definition!
Bust: last month 41, this month 40.5 (my husband groaned LOL)
Hips: last month 45, this month 43 - 2 inches gone!! Boot camp is really paying off!! I'll have to find a substitute for when my sessions are used up!
Thighs: last month 26, this month 24.5 - 1.5" gone - holy moley I'm excited!
Calves: last month 17.5, this month 17 - "only" .5" but the definition is amazing - I'll try and take photos

Stay tuned as I work furiously on getting my house cleaned, dealing with stuff the kids left behind and need while they stay with their dad, and getting my blog up to date!!

Tomorrow: Updated pictures!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

lots of exciting news!

2010-11-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

but you're going to have to wait! We're heading home tomorrow - where I'll get to catch up on blogging, laundry, chores, and drop my kids off with their dad. I'm nervous about getting on the scale for the first time in a week - but I've been eating well, making great choices (including NOT having chocolate cake which is everywhere I look down here!). We're walking 10 or so miles a day, no snacking - the only down fall is that the water down here tastes HORRIBLE and so I've not been drinking enough which, contrary to what you'd think, causes me to bloat!!

I have several NSV - a few that made me cry even! but I'm typing on the end of the bed, I've got about 14 hours of vacation left...and I'm logging off!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Restaurant Rant! @#$%#%$@%

2010-11-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

Ok. I'll start this with admitting that since I've been watching what I eat, I'm more sensitive to portion sizes. I also have to admit that I'm a cheap B&tch. I'll also admit that I rarely go out to new restaurants - I have my faves at home that I stick to.

So - here in Vegas we're in a room without a fridge/microwave (note to self, next time spend the pennies to upgrade). So my plan for groceries and some meals in the room didn't go as planned. C'est La Vie.

So we are eating in restaurants for every meal. And let me just say - I'm shocked. And grossed out. For breakfast this morning the SMALLEST offering was a 4 egg omlet. Lunch I ate a salad - normal portion size - but the sandwiches offered were 12" only - no 6" sandwich even offered! And dinner tonight was the final straw. I ordered the smallest (and cheapest) meal on the menu. Prime Rib - $12.99. A fatty selection but everything else had sauce, gravy, or deep fried. The SMALL order was 12oz. I don't think I've ever ordered 12oz of meat - even before I reduced my portions.

Oh Holy Cow. My husband ordered ribs - the smallest portion would have toppled Fred Flinstone's car easily. Neither one of us finished our meals. I had so much left I was tempted to ask for a refund. The fresh beans were good, the meat was tasty, the potatoes from scratch - I'm not complaining about quality here. But looking around the restaurant and seeing the size of the portions that were served to us, I started to really get angry. I just don't understand. There aren't "petite portions" even available.

I'm not criticizing people with big appetites - nor am I critical of people who can eat this quanitity. I'm just curious why smaller portions aren't even offered. I'd love to find a place that offered a kid size, healthy meal for a reasonable price. Just cut the portions in half, reduce the cost by even just 25% - but it's not even offered.

I'm left with no other choice than to order the full portion, pay the full price, and leave over half my meal to be thrown away. That offends me...angers me. In the past, I've taken my left overs to go - used them as lunch the next day. But now - here in Vegas, that's no possible. And I'm frustrated - and ranting. Thanks for bearing with me...

Proof is in the pictures. Before and After:

Tomorrow I'm more prepared - I stopped at the drug store, bought some almonds, some bottled water, and a couple protein bars to use as meal replacement if we can't find somewhere reasonble to eat. Back up plan is to not order and just nibble off of hubby's plate. I will find a way to make this work. I'm just amazed at what I'm seeing.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Checking in from Vegas. Food pictures!

2010-11-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

So far I've walked more than 10 miles in 2 days, made good food choices, both in quantity and quality. I'm paying dearly for it! $10 for a salad or $5 for a burger and fries is a real moral dilemma for me!!
To keep track of what I'm eating, I'm trying to take pictures of everything! So here you go (note: I don't eat dressing on my salads so while there might be dressing in picture, I didn't eat it)

(BLT no mayo, I took the extra bread out and only ate 3/4 of it and didn't touch the fries that were served with it)

Crappy neon lighting but 4 egg omelet was the SMALLEST breakfast offered!! I ate 1/4 if it, one 1/2 of the toast, and none if the hash browns.

$2 apple!! It had better taste amazing!!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

at the airport - and my vacation 'plan'

2010-11-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

Sitting here at the airport at *mumble mumble* time in the morning...I'm excited for our vacation and - at the same time - really nervous. None of the normal routine - none of my usual foods, no kitchen of my own, all eating out. This sounds like a recipe for disaster...but I'm trying to stay positive.

I packed a separate bag with my work out gear - it's one of my carry ons so at least if they lose my luggage, I can still work out, right? And I created a one week training plan - mostly running since Las Vegas is fairly flat this might be a good opportunity to get in some longer runs. And I'm determined to make smart choices when I eat. But 5 days.

I can't say I'm not a little worried. I've been sliding a little lately - I've been really tired, on the verge of going in and having my iron and other blood levels checked. And tired is a huge trigger for me. So toast has been disappearing at my house. It's not candy, it's not chips, and it's not a sugary treat. Which tells me which item I need to eliminate next. But - just the same at the other abstinent foods - it scares me. No sandwiches? No toast? No Bagels? Hmmm...the fact that living without it is so scary is really telling.

I keep telling myself that a person can't live without bread - and really, how bad is it?! Well, when I eat EIGHT pieces of toast in one day...ya, that's a problem. And - as you can only imagine, the scale shows it. I'm up 2 pounds right now. But it's only Tuesday - and I'm going to get some Vegas workouts in. I won't have a scale until I get home on Saturday - so my weigh in will be on Sunday morning. And I need to remember that as I make food choices and workout decisions.

It's not easy - but nobody ever said it would be. But nobody warned me just HOW hard it would be.

I am having a NSV right now...yes, as you're reading this! Aren't you excited?! I'm sitting in an easy chair at the SeaTac airport with my computer on a little table next to me - and my feet - they're tucked up next to my butt. And once I hit publish, I plan on putting my head down on my knees and getting a little sleep. The fetal position basically - in a normal chair. Like....ME! (I tried to take a picture but it didn't show it very well...sorry!)

Ok - off to get a little sleep before getting on the plane...for another nap! :)

Viva Las Vegas!

LauraLynne

No candy here!! And a breakfast lesson!

2010-11-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

I never bought any - I was the Halloween GRINCH this year. Well, not on purpose. I kind of forgot it was halloween. My kids were both busy (teenagers...) and we spent the day going out to breakfast - interesting story there - then a nap (not on purpose!), then off to the gun range for a little pistol shooting (My first time shooting a pistol and I did great!!) This was done with a .45

Then we headed to church for their 6:30 service and only as we were driving home did I realize it was Halloween! It was dark out by then and the trick or treaters were dwindling so I put on my Grinch hat and drove right past the grocery store and left the front light off. I'm pretty sure nobody was going hungy in our neighborhood on account of missing out on one tiny candy from our house.

And no leftovers!! WIN!!

So - yesterday's breakfast lesson. After a hectic morning - fighting with my 16 year old daughter really takes the wind out of my sails - we decided that instead of being late for first service at church, we would go to breakfast instead. So I ordered eggs, hashbrowns, bacon and toast. Planning fully to stay within my limits. I ate one of the eggs, the toast, and 2 slices of bacon. Then I started on my hashbrowns. I saved them for last because I really love hashbrowns and haven't had them in months.

First bite - hmmm...not the hashbrowns I remember, not a warm potato goodness, just *meh* bland a little?

I figured maybe because I hadn't had them in awhile I might need to acclimate myself to them again - I mean, doesn't make sense but what part of my brain's thoughts about food DO make sense?

Second bite - no, not any better. Decidedly bland. I add a little salt. Try and salvage the part of the meal I was most looking forward to.

Third bite - I can't even taste the salt!! These hashbrowns are a black hole of flavor!!

Fourth bite - but I love them so I'm going to plow through them!!

Then it hit me.

I'm going to "plow through them"?! What was I doing?! They didn't taste good, I wasn't going to starve after bacon, egg, and one slice of toast, and did I mention they didn't taste good? I asked myself BLUNTLY "why are you eating these?!" And I didn't have a good answer.

So I put my napkin on the rest of them (and the other 2 eggs - you couldn't order breakfast with anything LESS than 3 eggs...) and my other piece of toast (I only allowed myself one) and pushed my plate away.

Victory. It was mine. Thoughtful - mindful - eating. I was doing it. I was sad I didn't get hashbrowns - but I was thrilled about my decision.

10 months into my journey and I really feel like I've made significant progress. Sure - the numbers on the scale are great - but numbers alone aren't changing who I am and my relationship with food. They're the byproduct of making huge changes in how I look at food and how I fuel my body.

Happy Nov. 1 everyone!

(off to pre-write a few blogs for preparation for my vacation to Vegas!)

TTFN,

LauraLynne

impulse eating better today - and a rant about my ex. husband

2010-10-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

I thought I was going to lose it yesterday and this morning - it's been the hardest struggle yet. I'm tired - I've had a cold for several weeks now, just low grade cough, chest congestion. This week it got worse - I'm not sleeping well so I'm exhausted all. the. time. I took it easy on working out this week hoping that some extra rest would help but it's not helping AND I'm not going to meet my OctoberFAST goals - it's close, but the swim and run are both going to be short. I'm not beating myself up over it so that's a relief.

I ate reasonably today - and cooked - which always helps! I had an egg white scramble this morning and a protein bar between workouts. And now I've got taco soup in the crockpot just waiting for hubby to get home. There's leftover corn bread too but I didn't like the couple bites I took yesterday so only 'soup' it is (it's a taco meat chili more or less...).

Lots to stress about around here - my kids' dad is coming to WA to visit them. He's never done that. He's barely seen either one of them at ALL over the last 10 years. When he left, he moved to Florida. I flew the kids there twice in the first 2 years and since then he's made almost no effort to see them. His girlfriend's family is from Central Washington so they came here to go camping several years ago and at my urging he made the 'effort' to drive a couple hours to come pick up his kids. They spent a week camping with a million other people. This summer I DEMANDED he fly them to Florida to see him - so he bought one plane ticket....and chose to fly his son only. *eye roll*
Anyway - he's coming to WA to see his kids for a week. I'm stressed about it. I hate him with a depth that is indescribable. Not for what he did to me - eh, whatever, I'm free of him - but he disappoints MY KIDS on a daily basis. For that I wish him, well, just gone. I wish he would just...go. *sigh* Not very Christian of me. He's getting his reward - he's missed out on 10 amazing years of their lives. I get to see them every day, watch them grow, talk to them, hear about school and friends and work and sports - I get to be there when they fall down, hold out a hand to help them up. He doesn't. And that's worse than death in my book. So I guess I should feel like karma has been here already.
But dealing with him - in regards to the kids and what's best for them - it's stressing me out tremendously. And I'm pissed that it has that kind of power over me. I KNOW that he'll keep them up too late, get them to school late, allow their homework to slip, and let them watch more TV in one week than they've EVER watched in their lives. I'd bet money that he'll take them to a movie I don't approve of (I still pay close attention to their movie/TV/Internet activities - it's my job!). I know they'll eat nothing but crap food the whole week and spend more time as couch potatoes at his hotel then they ever spend in a year at home.
I also know it's only a week. I know - only 7 days. It won't kill them. But it's killing me none the less.

My children deserve so much better than anything he has to offer. And they deserve to be treated as worthy humans and not as inconvenient. They deserve MORE than anything their dad can give them. Effort - if he at least showed effort I'd feel a little better about this visit. But this visit is my doing - I've demanded it. It's 10 years over due. And I do it FOR my kids. he doesn't do ANYTHING for anyone.

Ok. I'll stop now. But for those of you who are so inclined, please say a little prayer that this one week isn't the WORST for my kids and that I survive it without running him over with my car...twice. And for the record - if I DO run him over, I swear it was an accident, the accelerator stuck. Really.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Friday night - I made it through!

2010-10-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

Must be PMS - but everything is calling my name. Work was hard - but I made it. Grocery shopping was hard - but I made it. Dinner was good and now I'm snacking on a few almonds - but I'm making it!!

Tomorrow is boot camp and a long bike ride - the bike ride will put me at goal for my OctoberFAST challenge and I'll need to get a good swim in as well. Starting Monday, after OctoberFAST, I will be reducing my training schedule. The frequency will be less and the distances just slightly longer. I'm having a hard time committing to the frequency - but the distances are all manageble. So I'm changing it up a little. I'm still planning on a half ironman next summer so the training is still neccassary.

Food wise I'm struggling a little - I've got cravings, if you can call it that...I really want candy and junk. It's been life saving to be abstaining from them. My brain has been pulling out the old tricks...you can have just one...you can stop after one...you've been training/working hard, you deserve at least one...

Knowing I can't have ANY keeps me on top of it. It's hard. All the thoughts and the urges - but I really appreciate that I can stick to the abstinence. I feel a success every time I avoid the foods I've quit. Today's been the hardest in a long time though.

My weigh in was this morning - I'm down to 193.0 - down .08 which is awesome!! One interesting side note to the avoiding foods is that the focus on the numbers is much less, it's down every week so far for the GAG2010 challenge which is awesome but my mood is not directly tied to the up and down. It's been such a feeling of freedom!

Challenge updates:
OctoberFast

Goals:
swim: 24,000 yards
bike: 200 miles
run: 50 miles
Total so far:
Week 1
swim: 8450 yards
bike: 50.4 miles
run: 17.92 miles
Week 2
Swim: 12,250 yards
Bike: 65.4 miles
run: 22.92 miles
Week 3
Swim: 17,100 yards
Bike: 164.86 miles
run: 31.11
Week 4 totals:
Swim: 17,100 yards (nope, didn't swim at all this week - I've got nasty cold!)
Bike: 194.86 miles
Run: 39.11 miles

Left to go (for this weekend!)
Swim - 6900 yards (doable if I can breathe tomorrow and Sunday)
Bike: 16.14 (this will get done in tomorrow's bike ride with the bike club)
Run: 10.89 - I've been struggling with being motivated to run outside of M/W - so doable but will have to push myself out the door tomorrow and Sunday

Next is the Go The Distance Challenge for October
Goal is 50 miles
Total so far: 39.11 (78% done!)
again, just over 10 miles left to run - it's going to be a matter of motivation. I've been exhausted and sick so running outside hasn't appealed to me at all and it's been easy to slack off.

And last - but not least

GAG 2010
Goal: pounds lost by Christmas
Start weight: 200.2
Friday's weight: 193.0
Total lost so far: 7.2

I'm psyched with this - but again, my focus has been shifting to my eating habits.

In other news - we're going to VEGAS this week - a chance to run outside in warm weather on new (and flat) routes! We're going for a trade show and one of the shows is 11 miles of walking to see all the vendors - it's going to be a good workout. Now if I can keep my food and eating under control, it should be good! I'm kind of looking forward to the challenge - is that wrong?!

Ok, time to hit the couch, watch some TV and fall asleep. Tomorrow is boot camp, bike ride, a run and maybe a swim.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

What I'm up against today

2010-10-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

TTFN,
LauraLynne

hard day - food struggles...

2010-10-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

Today is our annual Halloween chili cookoff. I've been helping set it up. Which is fine except - I'm hungry.

Not physically hungry. Maybe a little physically hungry - but emotionally I want to start eating now and not stop until 5pm. There's chips and chili and cornbread and candy corn. Taffy too! And I've walked past the bowl of candy no less than a dozen times and I'm on the verge of duct taping my arms to my side. They seem to reach out to the bowl on their very own - as if possessed!
Hey - maybe that's it!! I'm haunted by my 300 pound former self! Is anyone here an exorcist - I need one STAT!!

Ok. Here's the deal. I brought my good ol' Turkey Chili as an entry. I know it's healthy. I know the calories. And I know it's tasty. So I'll stick with that. And water. My bottle of water should weight my arm down enough to avoid the candy corn. Have I mentioned that Candy Corn is my Kryptonite? I've avoided it in the stores - I can't eat what I don't buy - but now it's here!! At work!! And Free!!

Ok. Back to the plan - turkey chili, water, and maybe I should go buy some gum so my mouth will be occupied?

I've got a plan. I'll report back tonight. Along with Friday weigh in and Challenge updates!!

BOO!

LauraLynne

My husband's cooking experiment

2010-10-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

My husband can cook. I've seen him!! And he cooked for himself before I met him...

So, tonight, when I was on my way home, we talked on the phone about dinner possibilities. I mentioned some hamburger than needed cooked and walked him through how to defrost it in the microwave.

So for the rest of the ride home I'm day dreaming of hamburger and a few finger potatoes broiled with seasoning salt....yum!! I've just run almost 6 miles and I'm hungry!

I arrive home as he's putting the defrosted and crumbled hamburger in a fry pan. Not the patties on the George Forman as I was envisioning...but I'm not cooking so I'm not putting my opinion in there. I settle in on my computer, start checking out blogs, and then duck back into the kitchen to refill my water bottle.

He hands me my dinner plate: about 2oz of hamburger and some peas....I moan about the small hamburger portion and he mysteriously comments "you need to try it first - tried something new"

I sniff at it trying to figure out what he put in it - I know my cupboards and frankly we're a little low on everything so I was curious what he scrounged up. It smelled familiar but I couldn't place it. I raised an eyebrow (ok - both - I haven't master the single-brow-lift much to my frustration!) and asked him "what IS it?"

His answer?

Cinnamon.

WTF over??

2 bites and I was convinced. It's as weird tasting as it sounds. So I'm eating peanut butter toast for dinner. blarg.

But he tried - he gets points for that for sure!

And I am going to hide the spices.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

sick day - catch up day - abstaining from food notes

2010-10-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

so yesterday I got the message loud and clear. So here it is 3:30 in the afternoon, I'm only JUST getting out of bed, emailed work about a sick day this morning, and generally not feeling great. So...I'll catch up on blogs while listening to Hulu - right? :)

I'm a little frustrated by internet filters at work - during slow times I can read other blogs but I can't comment - for some reason, commenting is blocked. Now I have to figure out how to "bookmark" the ones I want to comment on from home! Suggestions??

Meanwhile, I've been blogging extensively about my training - but not so much about my food issues - which are still alive and well. Some things I'm doing well on - candy's tempting but not overwhelmingly so, I've turned to almonds for a quick snack vs. a bag of chips. A reasonable alternative in my book. Sugar is ok - I'm still struggling with how to replace the "you deserve a treat" thoughts that hit me quite often. Artificial sugar defeats the purpose of abstaining - so sugar free alternatives are out.
My goal is to take the emotional emphasis OFF of food, not find food substitutes. Does that make sense? Most people I explain it to are a little befuddled by the concept. Is alcohol-free beer ok for alcoholics? Not in my book - am I being unreasonable?

I still have a hard time walking through a grocery store and feel overwhelmed at times with urges for halloween candy. It's not always bad - but sometimes I really am *this close* to throwing the towel in. I know it gets better and that keeps me plugging along. I've done this before - it's been 6 years (give or take - I don't keep track anymore) since I've had cola or caffeine of any type. I'm not even remotely tempted. Not even a sip. So I KNOW it can be done.

My brain is a tricky organ though.
"just a little bite"
"sugar free doesn't count"
"it's just one"
"you can stop any time"

and on and on and on....

I've been fighting it. And winning - so far. Nov 1 is coming up - that marks 3 months no candy, 2 months no chips, and 1 month no sugar treats (I still have natural sugar and instant oatmeal - otherwise no sugar).

In training news - I'm thinking about creating a new training plan. I'm having trouble finding the time for my Over the Top plan. I made it with aggressive training in mind. But I'm feeling like a failure for not completing all the training. In reality I'm doing really well. But watching as some of my scheduled training doesn't happen because of regular every day life - it feels like failure. So I need to adjust. For comparison, I'm training roughly 2+ hours a day. Somedays more than 3. But it's not always 100% effort because I'm tired or distracted. So my reasoning (rationalization?) is that if I schedule less training but give it 100%, it will be as - if not more - effective.

I'm super excited because hubby and I are taking a vacation - that will ~~throw a crimp~~ present a whole new set of challenges. Our hotel room has amenities and I'll be packing snacks (we're going to a trade show - I'm sure there won't be any healthy food there!!). There won't be the opportunity to swim but I can get in some nice long runs and I believe there's a workout room at the hotel. Now to prioritize it. Maybe make a special "vacation work out plan" so that I have something realistic to stick to. And some meal planning - new microwave receipes maybe? Either way I plan on enjoying Vegas and still staying on plan!!

Ok - time to go catch up on some blogs (and leave comments!)

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Bike a fever, jog a cold?

2010-10-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

That's not the saying exactly but that's what I've been trying to do. I'm teetering on the edge of a nasty chest cold. Tonight's run I finally raised the white flag and walked the 3 miles instead of running 7 as planned.
I'm learning how to be more flexible. Slowly. I'm so determined in everything I do that it's hard to accept anything less than 100%. Even at a steep cost. So, tonight I walked. And now I'm going to slice up an apple, shut off the computer, and probably fall asleep before 9pm. A full three hours earlier than normal.
But tomorrow is boot camp...if I don't roll over and go back to sleep.

Cough cough!

Night everyone!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Friday's weigh in and challenge updates!

2010-10-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Challenge updates! Also known as "making progress" or "chugging along!"
OctoberFast

Goals:
swim: 24,000 yards
bike: 200 miles
run: 50 miles
Total so far:
Week 1
swim: 8450 yards
bike: 50.4 miles
run: 17.92 miles
Week 2
Swim: 12,250 yards
Bike: 65.4 miles
run: 22.92 miles
Week 3 totals:
Swim: 17,100 yards (6900 to go)
Bike: 164.86 miles (46.14 to go)
run: 31.11 (18.89 to go)

This was a big week for totals - especially the bike. My training plan is broken into weekly goals:
Base - which is maintaining my endurance
Build - building endurance
Recovery - also exactly what it sounds like

This week was a build week so the distances were a little longer. This week is the same. So baring burnout, injury or acts of nature, I will make all my OctoberFAST goals!! I'm super excited for this because, honestly, when I set them and looked at the numbers, it seemed pretty unlikely. But I'm not someone to shy away from challenges (um - have you been READING my blog - I'm all about setting out to do the impossible). But I'm my own biggest skeptic - but that's changing, slowly.

Next is the Go The Distance Challenge for October

Goal is 50 miles
Total so far: 31.11 (62% done!)

Again - I'm confident that I can run the remaining 18 miles by Friday.

Old me just looked at that sentence and fainted.

And last - but not least

GAG 2010
Goal: pounds lost by Christmas
Start weight: 200.2

Friday's weight: 193.8
Total lost so far: 6.4

I'm happy with that - with all the working out - adding bootcamp and working on core muscles, I suspect that I'm dropping fat and replacing it with muscle. I know that this month has been the biggest changes in terms of body shape - pictures will be taken on Friday for monthly comparison. Measurements too!
Mostly I'm excited because even on "heavy days", I don't see a 2 in front of my weight anymore. And I've got 18x right around the corner!!
More exciting than that is that I'm starting to focus on the training, the health, and the nutrition part of working out more than the numbers on the scale. Not seeing a loss in the morning doesn't ruin my day anymore. There's less ritual involved - I still weigh naked and with an empty bladder but I don't shift around on the scale to see if the location of my feet can shave another .2 off the number, most mornings I barely remember what the number the day before read, and I'm more focused on the numbers to the left of the decimal than to the right. 194.8 and 194.2 are equal in my brain. I don't obsess.
This is huge. And liberating.

Today's agenda: Church, swimming, running, cooking. I'm going to make a few staples for the house and also menu plan for the week. Last night I cooked a little extra to start off my lunches for work. It's one area can really improve in - I've been buying my lunches which, while still making healthy choices, causes stress for me because there's too much freedom that comes with that daily choice. I feel so much more in control when I bring my lunch. I know it's healthy, I know I don't have the make a difficult choice, and usually I make really delicious food so I look forward to lunch instead of semi-dreading it.

I also need to set up an area where my workout stuff goes so that it's easier to be organized. I'm tired of having to search for pants, shoes, socks, helmet, waterbottle, suit, towel, goggles....the list goes on and on. So today I make an area just for my workout stuff. And I spend less time searching, more time...well, NOT searching!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

How much is too much??

2010-10-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

I may have found it today .... to much of what you ask??

Too much to do.
Too much to think about.
Too much to plan.
Too much working out.

I'm tired. Tired of thinking, planning, doing, working out. I'm tired of fighting my brain over stupid stuff: Ice Cream is NOT ok. I do NOT deserve a treat right now.

Today's plan was: bootcamp, bike ride, swimming. Sounds like a normal day in my life. More or less.

Where I went wrong: got out the door late (you try loading a bike into a tiny VW before you're awake!), didn't have time to grab some breakfast, realized I forgot gloves so I texted my husband to meet me after bootcamp and before bike ride with them. Did bootcamp - have been trying to ramp it up a little and mximize the benfit. Went out to car after to head to bike meet up (group ride with local bike shop - I was finally going to be on TIME with a bike that WORKED!). Got a text from hubby - he's at the wrong meeting point with my gloves! He's close to the bike shop/meetup point so I meet him there. Pump up my tires, buy a water bottle (something ELSE I forgot this morning), and finally headed out for a long and hilly bike ride.

*side story*
This part of my day was great - I was slow and there was one of the guys nice enough to stick with me and give me pointers, and for that I'm grateful. I was thrilled to finally be out ON the bike and training. I made it up a couple of really tough hills with an outloud mantra of :

I'm strong

I'm able

I'm strong

I'm able

Total ride distance was 20 or so miles - top speed was 49 mph!!! WOOHOO

*end side story*

After the bike ride, I hurried home, took a hot bath (I still had goosebumps after 45 minutes including a 20 minute warm car ride!!) and sat down to some food (finally!!). 2 eggs and toast later, I felt a little better. But now I still had a swim on the training schedule. Packed, fed, and ready - I walked down to the pool.

I worked on drills a little (I've been watching some good swim videos) and was working towards my 26 laps (not many, just a 'medium' swim) but was losing steam. at 20 laps, I climbed out of the pool and hit the hot tub.

It was too much. 1:00pm and I was done. I need a nap, some more food (no - really, not binge, just nutrition), and some time off. So no more working out today. And slow tomorrow. And maybe revamp the training schedule to include some breaks. Because if I don't do it, my body will.

So now I'm eating watermelon, planning a great (healthy) dinner, and putting in a movie (Crank 2 - how's that for irony?? Heehee!

Challenge catch up maybe later or tomorrow. Weigh in yesterday was 193.8 - down another .2. Pictures nad measurements on Friday - stay tuned!!

Later everyone!

TTFN,

LauraLynne

My Brain is playing tricks on me...

2010-10-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ok. So seriously. This is the internal conversation that just happened. Like inside my head. (Looks around for the men in white...and writes "sugar free pudding ONLY" in sharpie on my hand).

I have a bit of a scratchy throat - not bad. But here's the conversation:

Evil Side: "you know, if you get sick you get to lay in bed for a day - no swimming, no biking, no running - just blankets and sleeping!"

New Me: "but I LIKE swimming, biking, and sometimes even running"

Evil Side: "but if you're sick, you get to lay in bed and eat Candy!"

New Me: "oh no you didn't!!!"

Yup. Really. Certifiable. I know.
Stay tuned for Challenge updates and a weigh in!!
TTFN,
LauraLynne

Made that track my BITCH!!

2010-10-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

Ran it. Killed it.

2.68 miles.
Average pace: 11:53min/miles

Negative voices can SHOVE IT!!

Booyah!!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Lost: mojo. Motivation. Will to run.

2010-10-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

Man. I have been doing so great. Running, swimming, moving! And eating is improving. I'm working through issues. And most of the time, I feel pretty good about it. Sometimes even great!!
Not tonight.
Let me set the scene....

This is greenlake. Beautiful, nice 2.7 mile flat track for running around it. And tonight I'm on time, remembered everything, found parking and I'm ready to go. Start my music, set the gps and start my first lap. Plan is 2 laps before the group gets here and then a leisurely third lap. I've been doing 12 min/miles and thrilled with that progress. Tonight I wanted to see a few 11.xx splits (my gps is set to announce time/miles/speed every 3 minutes).
As I set out, there were a few hitches...my ponytail was loose, there's a grain of something in my shoe, and I'm just a little "out of sorts". So I walk a short distance and fix my pony. Decide the grain in my shoe isn't untie/fix/retie worthy and keep on running. My first split isn't great but included the walking to fix my hair.
The next split was still well over 13. What the hell??
It got Ugly in my brain. I kept running thinking maybe it was just equipment malfunction. Next split still sucked. And my brain got the better of me. I ran most but not all of the next couple splits and finally started walking and called my husband.
"I'm in a funk - I can't run anymore!!"

It was like someone took the wind out of my sails. And attached a giant anchor to my backside.

Hubby was busy at work and said he had to call me back. So I kept walking and tried to figure out what my issue was....I'm dressed, hydrated, good nutrition - in other words nothing physically the matter.
Mental was another story.

I was just bummed. And wanted to quit. And a million other negative thoughts. So I finished walking the loop and now I'm waiting for my kids and the one person at church who signed up for this running group (insert more negative thoughts *here*)
I will run another lap. And leave the ]^]%{*}+}=}*]^]% gps off.

But I want to post this. Not for sympathy but for my own "it just happens sometimes" reference. It's been worse. I'm not turning to food - didn't even cross my mind actually. Which, if I were going to be positive at all about something...well, that's as goons anything!!

Back to running....

Hump Day!! checking in...and guilt!

2010-10-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

still alive and kicking. And pedaling. And running. And, well, you name it! It's getting really fun to watch some of the changes with my body right now - collar bones, I haz 'em! I can't hardly shave my legs without being attacked by utter vanity - my poor husband is growing weary of the "hey - Look at THIS" interruptions. But I've got muscles - coming out of hibernation! I'll try and take some photos soon - document this in case they up and disappear again! I hope they won't - this is fun!

In the eating department I'm doing ok - I'm struggling a little with the sugar elimination. But it's interesting in that I'm able to see the emotional connection SO much clearer. Bad day - reflex is to think of eating something sugary. Frustrated? Sugar. Angry - that's an interesting one. That's been really clear. My brain sends out a "so - you REALLY want something to be angry about?!" message and send pictures of cookies, candy, and sugary snacks with that thought. Not being able to go to the usual 'fix' has given me time to really see the connection I have with emotions and food. It's still a struggle. There are debates raging in my head over "it's JUST one cookie" or "it's just one day - come ON - you WANT it!" But I'm beginning to get some distance from that - I'm more able to 'watch' the debate rage on while practicing self control from the sidelines.

That's not to say it's a perfect process. Last night I overate. Brown rice and peas. Because they were there. And I was tired. And, well, because I'm a food addict. I spent my evening trying to get my workouts in - I went on the spinner for 1:14:38 (yes - one HOUR - woot!) and was frustrated when I got interrupted by endless phone calls from kids (they were warranted - he needed to let me know he was safely on his way home) and then by my husband needed a hand at the shop.

One thing to add here - it's been very insightful for me to be taking all this time for myself. It's not pampering and bonbons in the direct sense. It's exercise. which you wouldn't think could be guilt producing. But it is. I feel guilty for taking this time to myself - for something which to my mom-brain isn't as important as providing for my family. But it is. I mean, logically. But as a mom and a wife, I'm supposed to put other people's needs first. And I'm trying to balance all of it.

Last night I broke down and asked for help. I haven't put the laundry away in TWO WEEKS. Yes. I know. I'm not a housekeeper - I suck at the domestic stuff. But I rock in other areas. I'm good with that.
So last night I asked Hubby "please" help with the laundry (ok - it's his clothes too and it's not a chore he expects but it's something I pride myself in being able to do to take care of his needs). So as I headed off for the pool (after biking and helping hubby and trying to get home in time for Biggest Loser - ACK!! Stress!!), I had dinner in the oven and a return time of 45 minutes.

Hubby took it to heart and pitched in!! I came home to the laundry sorted - my stuff was laid out on the bed while all of hubby's stuff was put away. He wasn't sure what gets hung up and what gets folded so we sorted and tackled it together. Felt really great. I only have a couple more freshly washed baskets to put away. Laundry really IS never ending in my house...sigh.

But on to the guilt - I feel immensely guilty about all the time I'm taking to work out. I know it doesn't make sense - and from a balance point of view, it really isn't that much. But I'm used to giving until there's nothing left and then trying to wring a little out for myself. Everyone around me is adjusting - kids are ramping up responsibilities, hubby is certainly behind me 100%, now if I could just join the movement...and be comfortable with the new balance.

so - after biking, cooking dinner, helping hubby, swimming, putting laundry away, eating dinner, and watching Biggest loser (still with me? this is a relatively typical evening for me...) - I was cleaning up the kitchen and there was brown rice left. I'd already packed my lunch for today and I justified it with being too lazy to find a container for it - I served the rice up and topped it off with some more peas. And ate it. I was full before this. And it was nearly bed time. And I didn't NEED it.

I'm so frustrated that these urges don't just GO AWAY. It's better, I know it is. And it's likely that it never goes 100% away - that I'll just keep developing tools to resist - but it just seems like as hard as I'm working on it, it should just GO AWAY! It's a not-so-subtle reminder of my short-coming. *sigh*

The idea that I'm human and imperfect - that's a tough pill to swallow, ya know? But I'm making it through - one day at a time. One meal at a time. One bite at a time. And I will succeed. I AM succeeding!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

"Blog with Substance" Award!

2010-10-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

I'm so honored that Glenda at Mind over Fatter gave me this - I really do take these awards to heart - thank you Glenda!

So in order to comply with accepting this award I have to:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.

From the bottom of my grateful heart: Thank you Glenda!
2. Explain my blogging philosophy, motivation and experience in five words.

Honesty, record-keeping, accountiblity, inspriration, intraspection

3. Give the award to 10 other bloggers (I’ll do 5)....

Greta @ Big Bottomed Blogger - she's done so great both in weight loss (check out her before and afters!) and also in growing emotionally and conquering her weight loss and fitness!

Dr Fat to Fit - she's always so strong - a true inspiration!!

He Took my Last Name - setting goals, making plans - look out for her! She's full steam ahead on her journey!

Draz at It's just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua - whootananny, exploding poop, and weightloss - honest, open, funny, and endearing.

Keelie at Real Fat - go - read - now. She's inspirational, funny, honest, open - and stylish!! She's lost 53.5 pounds and is still chuggin along!

I read so many blogs it was hard to choose - I'm only frustrated because my filter at work doesn't let me comment on most of them! ARGH!

Ok - that's one...stay tuned!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

So much to say part 1) - challenge check ins

2010-10-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

during my swim today - I came up with a great post! And I have several awards to aknowledge and pass along - and then there's the 3 challenges that I'm in to update today! I'm drowing in words and need to find more time!
It's funny how the more I spend time training, the more I have to say. But the more I spend time training, the less TIME I have to say it!!

So - for now - Challenge updates!

so - let me start with OctoberFast
Goals:

swim: 24,000 yards
bike: 200 miles
run: 50 miles
Total so far:
Week 1
swim: 8450 yards
bike: 50.4 miles
run: 17.92 miles
Week 2 totals
Swim: 12,250 yards (11,750 to go)
Bike: 65.4 miles (145.6 to go)
run: 22.92 miles (27.08 to go)

I've missed some of my running workouts, that's just life. I'm making up for it this weekend so look for some big jumps next week!!

Next
Go The Distance Challenge

goal: 50 miles run in October
Total so far: 22.92
Again - I have some running to catch up on so this weekend will be chock full of running!!

And last - but not least
GAG 2010

Goal: pounds lost by Christmas
Start weight: 200.2
Today's weight: 194.0Total lost so far: 6.2

I'm thrilled with this one - but I'm expecting it to slow down a lot - with all the working out and adding bootcamp, I'm building muscle. So my measurements at the end of the month should show more progress - but I'm happy with the weight drop so far!!
I've been getting out of bed at the A$$crack of dawn, getting a workout in (swimming, biking or bootcamp) and then heading to work. I'm thrilled to say I'm still awake and energetic by evening which feels so great! My blood sugar doesn't spend all day bouncing around and I rarely feel that utter sluggish, sleepy must-sleep-now feeling I used to get. Cutting the sugar out? Cutting the junk out? Working out more? I don't know which is to blame - or maybe it's just coming down to a great balance of all of it. Either way, I'm loving it.

ok - time for me to get back to work - I'll update awards later (I keep saying that!) and also a great metaphor about swimming and weight loss...stay tuned!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Thursday - exhausted...but still marching along!

2010-10-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

This morning was boot camp again - I'm loving it! I'm committed to going - no "when ever/where ever" workouts which are easy to postpone (I haven't cancelled any but I've delayed a few - my schedule is WICKED!). There are different levels of intensity offered at bootcamp and today I stepped it up. Day 1 I was a little worried about not being able to finish the class or looking weak. Today I threw all that out the window. I'm not there to impress anyone, it's fairly likely that not one person in that class gives a hoot about my fitness level. So this morning I gave it 100%. Owie.

OWIE!

But I'm thrilled - I pushed it, I did well - and I'm sore to prove it. I'm going to have to write down all the routines so that when my 6 week trial is up, I can commit to doing it myself. None of it is complicated or difficult - they're all basic moves. Squats, lunges, sprints, planks. All good for the core, all can be done in my living room!

tonight I need to swim and bike - swim's going to be tough to get in as I have to go to the shop and do the books and payroll. So there's a chance the swim session will be over by the time I get free to go swim. But then I'll just do tomorrow's run today and swim in the morning. I'm flexible that way...

my body image issues are looking brighter as well. I beginning to look for the "good" spots in the mirror rather than seeking the flaws. I have a bounce in my step and my confidence is glowing. most of the time anyway. I'm still on guard though. I still wake up and expect to see 240 on the scale when I step on. My brain has that image seared in - I'm still not fully giving myself credit for the first 45 pounds gone. But I feel hopefull. At least right now. And that's what I choose to focus on.

One of today's themes in Blogland is how to raise our children to not make the same food/weight mistakes we did. I'm living that nightmare. At 5'-1" and 177 pounds, I'm not sure how my 16 year old is going to be fit enough to play soccer for her team starting next month. And I fear that the let down of that will send her into a negative spiral. And I'm aware that I'm projecting. She and I can't talk about weight - we try, we really do. But it gets ugly. At 16, her mom doesn't know anything. Just ask her. And at 42, I know a lot more than she thinks I do. It's hard when you've been down that path - when you know where it leads. And when you see all that potential walking that same path. And all the warning, lessons, speeches, motivation, and role modeling doesn't seem to deter her from heading down there. I'm at a loss. I've thought about how my mom could have helped me and I draw a total blank. The best I can do is be there for her. Continue to try and talk to her. And to let her know just how UNCONDITIONAL my love for her is. It is not tied to her weight, her esteem, her fitness level or anything else. It will always be there. And hopefully it's that love that will get through to her. I pray that to be true. In the end, the choice is hers. And that hurts to watch. But she's smart - she'll learn. And hopefully in less time than it took me.

Ok. Back to work with me!

Tomorrow: Blog awards and Friday weigh in!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

PS - can someone help me with how to make a cute signature to put at the bottom of my posts? I know it needs to be a jpg but how do I make one??

quick update - and a huge NSV

2010-10-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still training my butt off - literally! I'm keeping up with the schedule I set and I'm excited to see progress! My run times are down, my swimming is good - biking I have no way of measuring. Boot camp went well, I didn't feel out of place OR out of shape! All victories!

NSV yesterday that was huge for me...
When I left work and headed for the bus, it was still early - buses to my car only come every 15 min. instead of every 7 during peak hours. So if I missed it, I was going to be home a precious 15 minutes later. And I really needed some home alone time - it was a stressful day yesterday just mood wise. As I entered the bus tunnel, my bus went barrelling past me - down to it's stop on the other end - approx. 1.5 blocks down. Without thinking - I sprinted. Yup. Me. Sprinted! I ran full out for the 1.5 blocks and climbed on the bus. Which - in itself is amazing. But, even more amazing, is that I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't winded, sweating, or left wondering if my clothes were still all in place from the massive amounts of body jiggling that would have happened in the past (how many times have I run for the bus, climbed on, waited to catch my breath and then have to rearrange all my clothes that slipped, slid, climbed, or twisted because of the running). I sat down with a giant grin. I could run. and nobody looked around for the defibrillator - it wasn't an alarming situation as it's been in the past.

I felt pretty darn good about my body and my fitness! I'm a work in progress and I'm SEEING the progress - it feels pretty darn good.

I've got several awards I need to post - I will do that later I promise!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

weekend wrap up - learning to forgive

2010-10-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

Saturday I woke up early and headed out to the bootcamp orientation – it went well, I’m excited for day 1 tomorrow. Nothing fancy about it – basic common sense, simple exercises, repetition, focus on good form. Got home and hubby asked me to go to swap meet with him. With a restoration business, swap meets are just inventory shopping for us with a little bit of marketing and socializing thrown in. So we went.

I didn’t bring my bottle of water which turned out to be a huge mistake. We’re on a tight budget right now so I balked at $3 bottles of water. We did make halfway decent choices for lunch – teriyaki chicken on rice. Not great – but better than any other deep fried offerings they had. Finally, around 2pm, I broke down and bought bottled water. I managed to make it through the swap meet without the crap food – I was thrilled.

At home, we decided that we would use a gift certificate I won at work for a night out at the movies. Wall Street was playing and we headed into Belltown in Seattle. It just so happened that a friend’s restaurant was on the same block so we made an evening of it. The theater was lavish – they bring drinks to your seats and refill your popcorn (yes – I ate popcorn, guilt free). After the movie we went to our friend’s establishment where I ate pizza. Only two slices of a small pizza.

Sometimes I just throw my hands up and decide to live. I knew the next day was a big workout day and stopped before I was full and felt in control. No dessert – even though the whole meal was comped. Another victory in my book. On the way out, we gave our leftover pizza to a man begging on the corner. He asked for beer to go with it – I don’t think he was joking and then I was sad I gave up our delicious pizza to him. I only hope he enjoyed it.

Heading home, we held hands in the car and generally just basked in each other’s company. Ya, I know, we’re mushy that way. If you’ve never been THIS in love, I highly recommend it. :)

Sunday morning I got up bright and fricking early – I had a long bike ride to complete. 54 minutes on the spinner and 12.5 miles later, I woke the rest of the family up to get ready for church. I was super excited – our friends were going to meet us there and attend our church for the first time! I love sharing our church – I think it’s awesome and when someone else is touched by their awesomeness…well, it’s awesome.

After church we dropped my daughter off at work and we headed home. By this time, my head was pounding. It hurt to blink. I felt like my eyeballs were on fire. Classic dehydration. And for anyone who’s been there, once you’re behind in that race, catching up takes a lot of work. I laid down and closed my eyes for an hour. When I got up, it still hurt but I changed clothes and headed for swimming. I had 45 laps to put in today!

Concentrating on swimming helped with the headache. Swimming for me is a little zen like – it’s the one sport that I feel completely at home doing. I’m not great, I’m not fast – but I feel like a natural and I hear nothing but positive voices when I’m swimming along. When people look at me swimming, I only see admiration and positive thoughts. I don’t once assume they’re thinking “What’s SHE doing out here” or “didn’t know they made bathing suits that large” Or any other negative nonsense. I just keep swimming, and generally it’s a very happy time for me.

After my laps, I headed back home and then down to the shop with the hubby – he needed to put some work in on the shop truck and I had the books to do – checkbook to balance, paychecks to write. I kept drinking my water and hoping that my head would finally calm down. From there we headed home to pick up kids and then to meet my mother in law for dinner.

Dinner was something of a disaster for me. My head hurt, I’d worked out a lot that day – I have 10 more excuses but do you really want to hear them? Ultimately I ate a 6oz steak, a plain baked potato and 3 deep fried prawns. Nothing to be ashamed of but the feeling of eating with gusto, eating to make my head stop pounding, not thinking about taste or satisfaction – those were the no-no’s for me. I was reminded that although I’m losing the weight, I’ve cut out the trigger foods, I’m staying on track most of the time – I’m still struggling with this journey. It’s all a learning experience and I have to remember to stay focused. My ‘auto pilot’ is still very broken.

Today I’m back on track. Back at work – back to routine – back to the auto pilot that’s a little farther along than my weekend driver. Tonight is a long run – 5.8 miles with my daughter’s church group and then another 2.5 miles with hubby at home. I won’t get on the scale until Friday’s weigh in. I want to be able to focus on eating and training and learning from my mistakes. I don’t need the number to use against myself.

Meanwhile – I’m working on a challenge with GAG 2010 – a scattergory of sorts. I’m finding motivational sayings and scripture that inspires me. It’s helping. It’s brilliant. Thank you Sheila for coming up with it.

On a personal note – more for me than anyone reading it. I’m struggling with a friend’s good news. She just announced she’s pregnant. It’s got me down in the dumps. She’s 2 weeks behind where I SHOULD be. And while I’m thrilled for her, at the same time I’m feeling devastated all over again. I’m struggling with a lot of emotions over all of this – my body’s failure to keep the baby alive, my emotions about the decision to try again or not, my reasoning behind any decision we make. I just want it not to hurt so badly. Cutting myself some slack takes a lot of hard work – and that ties into the healthy eating. Being able to forgive.

Ok – time to get to work!

TTFN,

LauraLynne

Friday - updates - weigh in - deep breath

2010-10-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

I'm in THREE challenges - which isn't bad - they're all somewhat related. And they're all weight loss related. So it's all good.

I realized this morning that while I was frustrated last night - I remembered that I DID NOT eat the ice cream. That's what made me sad. But I should be happy that I remembered and resisted! So today that's what I'm focusing on!

Having my tri-training in full swing is helping me stay on track. Food wise I'm actually not as hungry when I'm working out (go figure) and I think that the no-sugar is helping with that as well. typically my day goes something like this:
7:30 arrive at work/eat breakfast.
10am - snack
noon - lunch
2:30 - snack
dinner is anywhere from 6pm to 9pm

I also eat a piece of toast with peanut butter before a workout.

Lately I have been skipping the snacks - not intentionally - I just forget. They were hunger driven (I believe in eating when you're hungry when at all possible - besides, I get CRANKY when I'm hungry so it's in every one's best interest...). Today I skipped 10am snack because by the time I was hungry, it was almost 11:30 and I was willing to wait. Now I'm having salad, chicken, and some fruit for lunch - yummy.

OK - weigh in. *drum roll* 195.6

HAPPY DANCE!! I've been watching the numbers drop all week - but that doesn't always mean a net loss. Sometimes it's just random. But I'm 0.6 pounds away from being half way to my 90 pound goal. I'm seeing a lot of changes in my body - I'll post a picture at the end of the month but it's definitely changing (or maybe my brain is accepting my shape - I'm not sure which...)

Challenges:
Going the Distance Challenge:
goal: 50 miles run in October
Total so far: 17.92

I'm happy with that - it seems like I would rack up more miles but it's only counting my running - not the swimming or biking that I'm doing. It's easy to lose sight of that!

OctoberFAST
Goals:
swim: 24,000 yards
bike: 200 miles
run: 50 miles
Total so far:
swim: 6250 yards

bike: 37.9 miles
run: 17.92 miles

Another case of it seems like they should add up faster but I have to be patient. I'm not fatigued, I'm not injuring myself, my distances and training are reasonable for my ability.

And finally - last but not least:

GAG 2010
Goal: pounds lost by Christmas
Start weight: 200.2
Today's weight: 195.6
Total lost so far: 4.6

I'm thrilled with this one. One week - 4.6 pounds. It would get me eliminated on Biggest Loser (my pet peeve about the show) but 2.3% in one week - when I've already lost so much? I'm happy beyond happy!

The plan for the upcoming week? Bootcamp starts tomorrow - 3 days a week (I think - I could attend one more but that might be overdoing it - we'll see how I feel). Continued triathlon training - something every day (on average - there are days that life gets in the way and I just make up for it the next day). I'm slowly bringing clothes out of the back of my closet - pants I haven't worn in a VERY long time. Some 12's but the one's I'm most proud of right now are the Old Navy 14's - and while being in a 14 vs. a 12 doesn't sound like something to brag about, Old Navy has never made pants for women with thighs and a booty. I've got curves where Old Navy can't fit for. So being in Old Navy 14's is a big accomplishment for me!

Hubby is still running with me - my daughter's groups for running start this week so I'll be running with her and the group on Monday and Wednesday. And my son will be getting ready for homecoming next weekend....life in the land of Chaos - never a dull moment around here!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

geesh - I completely forgot. sigh

2010-10-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

tonight we attended a car meeting - and ate at a burger joint. I did well on my selections, no problem there. And we went up to the ice cream cooler and picked out our ice cream. I was so proud of myself - I asked for 1/2 scoop of each of the sherberts I wanted - Lime and Raspberry - my favorites!! We took our treats back to the table and I was composing my "I'm so proud of myself" blog already (please tell me other people do this... and I put the spoon to my mouth and my brain finally kicked in.

*I forgot*

no sugar. Sherbert has sugar.

So, sadly, here's the result:

A melting dish of uneaten ice cream.

And I'm sad. Not because I went hungry or anything, but because I forgot. I didn't even feel deprived necassarily. Just disappinted because it's not easy. I want this to be easy. I really want it to be easy. But I know it's not. I've lived it all my life - it's not easy. But I keep hoping. Like checking the lotto ticket you buy once a week. You hope, you pray, but deep down you know the odds.
Weightloss - and eating - isn't under a random system though. They're in your control - sort of. It's not easy. We all know HOW...at least we have the basics. We're all in the process of working out the finer details and finding what works for us. But more often than not I underestimate how hard it is. Even after a lifetime of trying to figure it out.
The good news is that I DID remember - and before I ate any (ok - it touched my lips but I didn't take a bite!)
And I was reminded again that it's hard work. But I'm worth it...

TTFN,
LauraLynne

I might have to become a morning person...and a NSV

2010-10-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

I've been completely immersed in my tri-training so I've been working out every single day. And some days are 2-fers: 2 workouts. Well, there just aren't enough hours in a day so I missed a few because life just got in the way and by the time I sat down at night and got ready to workout, there was barely time for one let alone 2. So for 2 days now, I've gotten up 45 minutes early to get a workout in. First day was swimming, this morning was biking. tomorrow is swimming again.
The big deal is that I got up early. Folks, I am NOT a morning person. I would be wearing 2 different socks and 2 different shoes. But nobody would notice because if I didn't lay my clothes out the night before, I would go to work with no pants on. It's THAT bad. I suck at mornings.
But I got up. I worked out. Blearily. And then headed to work - and forgot to eat. Mind you, I eat a piece of toast with peanut butter before working out (it's the right combo for me to sustain energy through an hour of working out). But that's at 5:45AM (*YAWN*). By 10am I'm starting to feel a little hungry but nothing major.
And my energy level. Um....I have spent 2 days resisting the urge to do cartwheels down the hallways of my office. And if I was SURE I could do one without humiliating myself, I might do it! I've still got energy for a run at 9pm and now, at 10:30pm, I'm finally starting to fade. But all day long I'm up, alert, energetic, and very awake.
I probably have the no sugar working in my favor as well. My blood sugar has certainly evened out - no 2pm Siesta time feeling. The combination of working out and no sugar - well, I think I've found the key! (eating sensibly and moving = losing weight - who knew?! LOL)
Tomorrow is an early morning swim. And then a late night bike (well, spinner). And Friday is weigh in day. I'm kind of excited. I've seen each morning's preview...but I also know that my body likes to play tricks on me.
In other news, I created a vision board. Ideas and pictures of goals. It was actually kind of hard to do. I have a few goals - but most of them aren't tangible - there aren't pictures of being able to run when I want and how far I want. There aren't images of being able to look at pictures and love what I see. There is no way to show the look of desire in my husband's eyes (ok - I already see that on a regular basis but I was *AH-OO-GAAAAAH* eyes like in the cartoons more often!)

One huge NSV I had today - I was driving in the car (as usual - communting takes 2+ hours of my day). and I had pen that I put between my legs (I was tying my hair up with it so I needed one hand on the wheel and the other hand to collect my hair). I actually had to hold my legs together to keep it there!! I mean, it wasn't in any danger of really actully going anywhere I don't think....but I definately had to squeeze my thigh together to make sure it didn't fall on the seat!

I dream of the day I can see daylight between my thighs standing with my feet close together (my husband says the boys call that "factory air" whatever that means!) But I've never really thought it was possible. I never thought a lot of things are possible. I'm beginning to dream of endless possibilities. And I'm loving it!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

whole new wardrobe!

2010-10-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Or at least it feels like it - my mom is cleaning out her closets. yes, plural. All my clothes fit in 1/2 a standard closet. With room left over. I'm not a big shopper, I'm not very fashionable, if it's clean and it buttons/zips/fits then I'm happy. Well, for the second time recently, my mom had me come over and pick up her donation clothes. And she's got great taste - casual, which is perfect for me! Last night's pick up included 3 great winter coats - one that's dressy even! There's probably a dozen t-shirts (no motorcycle logos - I'm sure my co-workers will be relieved!), several pairs of cotton Capri's, some sweaters, couple pairs of pants...and I can't even remember what else! I'm not sure where I'm going to put all this but I'm excited to have choices - and choices that fit!
My mom's smaller than I am - similarly shaped (big bottomed, tapered waist) - and a LOT taller than me (5 or so inches - damn my dad's genetics for being so dominant!!). But her clothes fit me!! Why am I so excited? Well, because I've always seen my mom as slimmer than me and I've never been able to share clothes with her. This is new territory for me. And makes me smile.
This morning I gambled with some of the new clothes. I had to get my swim in before work - hair appointment tonight - so I packed my gear bag with clothes for work, laid my swim suit and a pair of Capri's on top and was ready for an early (YAWN) morning swim.
Well - the pants I packed were from my mom yesterday - and I never tried them on. I gambled they would fit. After swimming, I held them up to me - my mind's eye thinking they were too small and would never fit.

Well - guess what I'm comfortably wearing right now!!!

Yup. My mom's old pants. They fit great! It was risky to assume they would fit but I really wanted to step out of my comfort zone. I really want to try and get my mind caught up to the size my body is - not the size it was. Easier said than done. I still look around at other blogger's pictures - size 12 looks beautiful on them - why can't I accept that the label isnt' WRONG in my jeans? Allowing my brain to compare myself to other people size 12 and accept that I AM looking better - sometimes even great - these days. It's like having a ghost image. Remember the old TV's that if you left the emergency pattern on overnight (OK you young people - just pretend you know what I'm talking about), then your TV screen would have a ghost image of that pattern on when you went to watch TV the next day. I think computer monitors do that too - hence "screensavers". So when I look in the mirror - the image I've seen for so long is still there - ghostly but there.
I'm working on it though. Taking the chance of going to work with no pants on. Because that's how *I* roll! Haha.

OctoberFAST - week one update. Going the Distance!

2010-10-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm in a challenge for distances this month too! Thanks to The Clydedale Project

My distances for week one are:

Swim: 3950 yards
Bike: 11 miles
Run: 7.83 miles

My goals are:
swim: 24,000 yards (480 total laps)
bike: 200 miles
run: 50 miles

so - because I'm a math nerd - left to do this month:

swim: 20,050
bike: 189 miles
run: 42.17 miles

I'd better get my butt in gear!!
Tonight I'll be running around Greenlake with my daughter - goal is 5 miles.
tomorrow is a swim/bike day
Wednesday I'm getting my bike fitted and then going for a ... run. ya, I know - but I dont' have lights on my bike and riding the dark at my skill level = a very bad idea.

I'll update later on the no sugar and all the ~~demons~~ struggles that go along with that...

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Measurements...it's been awhile - and my rotten day

2010-10-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

Arms - 14.5" (no change, total: -1")
Bust - 41" (-1", total: -2")
Waist - 35" (+.5", total: -.5")
Hips - 45" (-1, total: -1")
thighs - 26" (no change, total: -1")
calves - 17.5" (-.5", total: -.5")

Of all of those, I'm most excited about my calves - I'm seeing some serious changes there - the definition so while there's only .5" gone, there's some major change! I tried to take a picture but it doesn't show it very well...I'll just have to keep working on MORE definition so that I can show it off!

Today was a rough start - I was supposed to meet at a local bike shop for a group bike ride. We happened upon the shop during a car show and the owners were very friendly. I'm headed there this week for a bike fitting. Meanwhile, they told me about a group ride they do every Saturday morning - I've really been wanting to find a group to ride with and most of them around here are fast, in shape, and I would really feel like a fish out of water. This group sounded much more my pace.

But I'm shy. Borderline social anxiety. And this morning it was one hurdle after another and I was late leaving the house. I couldn't fit my bike in the VW and threw a temper tantrum. Which made me even later. My plan was to be early - one of the first people there. So that I don't walk into a crowd of strangers and more like getting there early enough that I only meet a few strangers as they arrive...if that makes any sense. So I was hurrying to get out there - it was past start time but I went anyway.
There may have been a few stressful tears on the way out there. I hadn't eaten anything - I forgot my peanut butter toast on the counter. And a lot of self talk convincing myself NOT to turn around. When I did get to the shop - without turning around - everyone had left already. And I was both disappointed and relieved. So I headed home. All I wanted was a nap - it was only 9:20am (yes - I was TWENTY MINUTES late. I'm so ashamed!) and I already felt like it had been a long day.

On the way home, my husband called - to make sure I had gotten there ok. I told him I was headed home. He caught me mid crying jag. I don't usually cry people!!! I blame hunger and stress!!! I told him I was headed home and I would instead be going to the shop to do the books and billing. He called back before I got home and told me he would meet me at the shop and had picked up a turkey bacon breakfast sandwich for me (Starbucks to the rescue!). Here's where my day continued to get worse.

I planned on getting my swim in at 12:30 - pool's open from 12:30-2:00. But hubby asked for my help with some shop errands. Which finally ended around 1:30. So I missed swimming too. I was disappointed and frustrated for the second time today. So we headed out on one more errand (since it was too late for me to swim anyway) and we finally got home around 3:30pm. I decided I wanted a nap and to just hit 'reset' on the day.

So I did.

An hour later, I got up in a much better mood. We headed to the bike shop to pick up a few things - including a computer for my bike - distance, speed, and cadence, i'm so excited! Then we had a nice dinner and I hit the stationary bike for a nice 45 minute ride. So while it wasn't on the training plan, I did get a ride in. I'm a day behind on my training plan but figure that at least I'm still doing something. I'm learning to cut myself some slack.

Tomorrow is church and then a nice long swim. Tomorrow night hubby and I will go for a run and I will try and get back on track with the training.

Successes for today: Getting a bike ride in - even if it was stationary! Not eating chips at dinner. Day 2 no sugar - there's ice cream in the freezer that will NOT be eaten by me - even during a very bad no good day! My calves are getting ripped! :)

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Progress pictures - compare only 10 pound difference

2010-10-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

I finally snapped a couple pictures last night - and, as usual, when I looked at them, I just didn't like what I saw. There's something different about looking at full body picture vs. looking at small parts of me in the bathroom mirror. I can usually try and focus on something I like in the mirror - the shape of my collar bone starting to appear, the fact that I can see down to my toes without contorting myself, the fact that my waist is starting to curve INwards. But put them all together - and take a picture - and I begin to fret about the stuff I see that I don't like. So last night, I posted the pictures. And didn't like them but dismissed it and didn't dwell on it.
This morning I took another look - and compared. And while I'm still not entirely thrilled - I AM seeing progress. Small stuff - little bit of smoothing out of the cottage cheese thighs, my waist is shrinking, just little stuff.
So here are the before and the after (well, DURING really...) These will serve me well as my before Bootcamp shots too!

weight: 210

weight: 207

weight: 200

And while the weight difference isn't much - a total of 10 pounds between all 3 pictures, there are changes. And that's what I'm planning on focusing on.

Off for a 24 mile bike ride with a new group! I found a local bike shop that is wonderful! Let's hope I can keep up and not fall down!

TTFN,

LauraLynne

Today starts no sugar

2010-10-01T13:58:00.001-07:00

This feels harder than no candy and no chips. And it started by throwing the oreos in the GARBAGE. And not the trash at my house - no, these went into the trash at the bus stop. Bye bye.
(I'm imagining some homeless dude chowing down on his amazing find...)
Now I need to grocery shop and fill my house with fruits and veggies!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

starting a couple of challenges today...

2010-10-01T06:35:00.000-07:00

First is Gag 2010. This is a pounds lost challenge - 12 weeks until Christmas. There are also POINT challenges - the first one being to create a Vision board. I'm excited for this challenge - some friendly winter competition to keep me moving in the right direction! I should have mentioned it early since this challenge is closed now :( sorry folks, I'm a slacker :(

Next is Big Clyde's Octoberfast mileage challenge. I pledged to the following distances:
Ok - my mileage goals for October:

swim: 24,000 yards (480 total laps)
bike: 200 miles
run: 50 miles

And finally - because I never do things slowly *sigh* - challenge number 3 is Fatgirlvsworld's go the distance challenge. My goal is 50 miles of running in October.

So - they all sort of go together - they're not entirely seperate. but I'm excited to push myself, have some outside accountibility - and some friendly competition.

Today's weigh in wasn't bad:

Off to work now!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

guilt, pants, and kids - my day

2010-09-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

So - first things first. I have a confession. *deep breath* I binged. I really wish I had someone to call when I was going through it - I felt it happening and more than anything I wanted someone to tell me to stop. I could have called my husband - but as much as he loves me, he doesn't quite "get" it.
Here's what happened, in the hopes that can interrupt it myself next time....

I've been feeling poorly lately - sick, tired, downright grumpy. Not sure why <----excuse #1
I had a bad day at work and left early <----- excuse #2
I was hungry <----- excuse #3

and I fell back on old habits. I stopped by the grocery store intending to buy a soda and be on my merry way. On the way in, my inner dialog determined that I was hungry and that dinner was long enough away that a snack was warranted.  I went down my list - no candy, no chips. Ok. Fine, I'm getting used to that. But then my brain wanted cookies. Something sweet. Old habits die hard. The inner voices listed off the excuses and I went to find a snack pack of cookies - something single serve.   The rational side of me preached moderation. But there's not a lot of single serve packages in the grocery store (sure - there are boxes of single serve but that's not the same).

So I bought a full size box of oreos. Double stuff. Go big or go home.

I didn't even have the key in the ignition in the car before I opened the package for the first bite. Guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. Pushed back down with more cookies. I argued with myself - feel it on your tongue, taste it - is this what you WANT??  I couldn't hear the answer for the crunchy of the next cookie. And the one after. And the one after. Driving along to pick up my son, I was eating my way through a box of Oreos. Wanting to throw the box out the window and at the same time feeling so completely out of control.

It's been awhile since I've had a binge ("forgive me father for I have sinned"...). The feelings of guilt however - just like it was yesterday, apparently the brain doesn't forget how to do THAT! Along with the guilt came the intense ill feeling. It's been a long time since I've eaten that quantity of sugar and fat! I was physically ill.   I managed to stop after most of the first row. The rest are sitting in the car - I'm struggling with what to do with them. I'll probably toss them in the trash on my way to work tomorrow. I ate a healthy dinner like the binge never happened. Pretending to myself and my family like it never happened. But it did. And I'll go forward from here. But I need to document what happened. For myself - for everyone else out there who walks this same fine line. Control vs. out of control - it's one decision, one false step, it's so much EASIER! Argh.

Which leads me to kids. We had a discussion tonight with my son. Who thinks he different than anyone else out there - just like every other teenager he thinks he's alone and unique and nobody could possibly understand. During our dinner conversation, we asked him what his goals were. He has none. Not one. He has no idea what he'd like to do in life - and I don't mean just college/career - he didn't have an answer to "do you want to live in a big house or drive a nice car..." He's willing to just go with the tide, take the easy road, end up where ever that takes him. It drives me nuts. He's always favored the easy road, doing the minimum required - and the frustrating part is that he's a highly gifted kid.  I remind him often that God gave him a race car for a brain and he's driving 20mph down the road with it. Wasting all that God gave him! Frustrating to say the least.

Which leads me to the pants part of my day. At least I hope it's a pant problem. Maybe it's a body issue. When I put on my pants this morning, as usual I had to wiggle a little to get them up where they go - not a lot, not laying on the bed to zip them wiggle - just a little snug in the thighs kind of wiggle. It gives me hesitation every time - I'm flooded with insecurity over it. But - here's the weird part - by mid morning, my pants are swimming on my. Pants on the ground too big. I can take them down to go to the bathroom without unzipping them. Does this happen to anyone else? Is it just me? I think it's the pants - because the idea that I wake up swollen in the morning just sounds ludicrious to me....it's easier to imagine that I own the pants from the Ya Ya Sisterhood (wasn't it that movie where the jeans fit anyone who put them on?)

Ok - time to put the computer away and go for my run - 4.4 miles tonight (hubby is going to run the first 2 with me!)

Looking foward to getting that behind me and then hitting the sack - I really am exhausted.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Biggest Loser makes me cry

2010-09-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

I just want to hug every single contestant...I know that it's edited to show the peaks of emotions but I can't help but imagine all the emotions every one of those contestants are going through. They've publicly admitted they can't do it alone, they're in worse shape than they imagined (aren't we all...), and they're in for a very hard time wrapped in the guise of a reality/game show. But at the same time it's really the opportunity of a lifetime.

We all have our journeys to go on - 10 pounds or 400. Food issues, body image issues, emotional issues, so much that's gone before today. It all adds up to who we are. But our journey is at our pace. Stop and start - sprints and jogging - whatever we're comfortable with at the time. But all of the Biggest Loser contestant have to be honest and open with their emotions - being dragged out of them at times. But none of it is at their pace. Rarely are they within their comfort level, especially physically. Sometimes I envy them. And other times you couldn't pay me enough to be in their shoes.

From the competitive point of view - sign me up. I'm all for good competition. But day in and day out surrounded by anything and everything that is weight and food related. I worry how these people get re-integrated back into normal life. I see a lot of them gained weight back (how many of us are familiar with THAT).

But that leads to what I've been discovering recently. That it's not just words when I say that I have to do this for the rest of my life. They need to be taught what they can sustain. Can they fit 8+ hours in the gym into a normal life? 8+ hours? Hell, I can barely fit 1 hour into most days (although I'm trying to!). Can they afford the whole organic foods they're offered at the ranch? Later seasons seem to include more nutrition and cooking info than earlier seasons (the show is learning too it seems).

I don't know where I"m going with all this. I'm thrilled that a small percentage of the people who need - and ask for - help are getting it. At the same time I wish this were available for everyone. Instead the obese re preyed upon - how many "diets" have you tried? How many dollars have you spent? How many days/weeks/months....all without learning how to live the life at a healthy weight.

I'm struggling with my food lately. I'm hungry frequently - what's up with that? And my scale is broken which is frustrating (but maybe a good thing) and my tri training started yesterday so I ran 3.4 miles last night, swam 1.12 miles tonight and have to hop on the stationary bike tonight for an hour (distance will be unknown...) . But is it sustainable? I know that I'm jumping in 2 feet with the training - and while I can keep up some form of exercise, even running *eek*, I'm struggling with the idea of ALWAYS doing it. I want to like it - I dream of the day I look forward to running (the mere thought of that seems so foreign to me).

anyway - enough rambling. It's time to finish dinner, watch more Biggest Loser, then spend an hour on the bike.

Tomorrow: Pictures!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

someone's very disappointed....

2010-09-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

I really should stay away from the 'stat' button on my Blogger dashboard...but this one cracked me up. someone found my blog via a Google search. weight loss, diets, size 12 - those have been searches in the past. There was even one about speedos that came to my blog (ya, I'm sure they were disappointed too...)

But this one takes the cake and has me cracking up. Someone found my blog for searching for:

Sexy Motorcycle Model

BAHAHAHAHAHAH...sorry folks. I do ride a motorcycle...my husband thinks I'm sexy...and I have posed for pictures which technically makes me a "model" by definition, right? But I don't think that I'm what someone had in mind when they used those search terms.

Oh well. maybe someday!

Off to go running - 3.2 miles tonight. I was waiting for hubby to get home but I haven't heard from him, he's hard at work, so I've got to go get these miles under my belt.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Monday check in...and wow what a weekend!

2010-09-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

Let me first start by saying that truly - in my life, even with struggles, I'm blessed. With friends, family, and opportunities.

Saturday was an annual motorcycle ride with a great group of friends. 10 of us headed at warp speed up to Winthrop, WA - a 130 mile one way trip on excellent roads. We made it in *ahem* really good time with little to no traffic, no mishaps, and perfect weather. Riding really does bring me back to center, reminds me of all the things that are good in life, and generally leaves me smiling. The day ended with an oyster BBQ at a friend's house...and boy oh boy does he BBQ a mean oyster - I'm drooling just thinking about it! My victory of the day was at the BBQ - like so many other BBQ's - there were chips. Ruffled ones even! My (former *sigh*) favorites. But I didn't eat one. I thought about it, schemed, rationalized, even contemplated cheating and starting the count over on the chip exclusion count. But I didn't.

You read that right. I didn't eat a single chip. Not the ones offered as a started at lunch OR the copious (and ruffled!) ones at dinner. And for that - I'm proud!!

It's been nearly one month without chips. And nearly 2 months without candy. I was staring at candy today. Wanting some. Really wanting some. But I tried to remember what I liked about candy. Was it the texture, the flavor, the smell? What was it exactly. It wasn't anything that had to do with actually eating it. It was more of a reward system - or sometimes a punishment. It represented something other than food with me. It was a habit. A comfort. A way to represent emotions: sad, angry, tired, frustrated, happy, celebrating...

But I don't miss it. I mean I still WANT it...I think about it...especially when they introduce "new" candy (snickers has a new one...I was tempted) but not for any reason I can put my finger on. I've decided it was merely a habit. An addiction. Without thought. Without reason really.

So here's to 2 months no candy...and many more.

Chips are another story - I love the salty taste - I love the crunchy feel - I still remember WHY I ate chips. I LIKE them. No - I LOVE them. If someone made me choose chips or oxygen - I would have to think about it. But it's been almost a month. And I still want them. I still try and rationalize why I can - should! - have them. I'm eating a sandwich for lunch - chips just GO with a sandwich, right? And they're crunchy and salty and tasty.

But - like candy - I can't moderate them long term. Key is long term. Short term I did ok. 6 months I pulled it off. Several times. Each time I've tried to lose weight, I can modify my diet for 4-6 months, lose some weight - and then I start slipping.

Candy and chips are gateway foods for me. So they're eliminated.

Next is refined sugar - probably not in it's entirety but no treat like foods that have sugar - ice cream, cookies, etc. I'll have to keep my eye on where I do get sugar from and decide from there. I do eat instant oatmeal every morning with sugar in it - I'm not sure I want to give that up but I might. I haven't decided - has anyone else done this?

I'm also not sure of what else I need to eliminate - probably processed foods (which I don't eat much of) and then I'll continue to work on portion control and daily nutrition.

In my world of working out etc - today starts my triathlon training plan. I want to do a "big" race next year - either several Olympic distance tris or an actual half ironman. The idea of a half ironman is intimidating - I have a post it on my monitor with the distances listed - I just stare at it and think one of two things: either "are you nucking futs? That's a lot of work!!" or "wouldn't it be cool if you did it just once..."

so for the next 16 weeks, I'll be training for Olympic distance triathlon (that's on a post it note here too - visual reminder of my goals). I downloaded a training plan and am ready to start tonight!!

here's my plan:

it's a lot. I know. But I don't take small steps.

I have some goals for the next period of time - some small, some big - but this post is long enough so I'll save it for tomorrow's blog!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Yet another benefit of losing weight...

2010-09-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

not all my aches and pains are due to weight. When my back hurts, it's because I've been OVER active...not because i'm overWEIGHT.

my active weekend has left me in pain - not injury, not chronic ache - but "oh boy, you've got MUSCLES" kind of ache.

I'm off to take a tylenol and then head out golfing - I've never golfed before - wish me luck!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

things I can do now that I couldn't do at 300+ pounds

2010-09-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

I wish I could find the list of things I dreamed of doing when I first considered Gastric Bypass. I'm sure it contained some of the "usual" ones: cross my legs, fit comfortably at the movies/airplane/behind the steering wheel, get up off the floor gracefully, walk a flight of stairs without stopping, play with my kids, swing in a swing, and a few others I've since forgotten.

What I didn't realize is all the OTHER things I would be able to do. This line of thinking is prompted by my husband's question to me tonight. He asked "how's the blog going - did you tell them about riding motorcycles for 2 full days?!" and then he asked "do you talk about the things you do on a regular basis that you couldn't have done at 300 pounds??"

The answer was no. I haven't been 300 pounds in about 9 years. But recently I was 240 pounds. January. 240 pounds. It wasn't as bad as 300 - but it wasn't good either.

So here's my list. Of things I can do now that I couldn't do at 300 or even 240 pounds:

Take a 2 day physically demanding motorcycle class
cross my legs - anywhere anytime
fit in every chair
run
run far
run long distance
sign up for a boot camp without worrying about being embarassed
go golfing with work
shop without trying clothes on
look in a full length mirror and find parts of my body that I can't stop staring at
and touching those parts of my body (oh - not that you dirty birds!)
believing my husband when he tells me I look hot
wearing form fitting clothes
bicycling
swimming
running
events with all 3!!
racing motorcycles
safety gear for motorcycling
folding my legs under me in the movie theater
lap top ON my lap
sexy underclothes NOT from Lane Bryant (while they look sexy, the amount of material involved cancelled sexy out for me)
hand me downs from people I admire
borrowing clothes when the weather turns unexpectedly
jeans that I can wear out of the dryer Every. Single. Time.
Looking forward to doctor appointments instead of dreading "The Lecture"
confidence and self esteem

what things do you enjoy at the weight you are now? What are you looking forward to? I'm certainly enjoying life to a level I really never dreamed of at 300 pounds. I'm looking forward to running farther and faster, discovering a whole new list of new things I can do, not letting my weight hold me back from ANYTHING. That's what I'm looking forward to. Life is full of hope.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

what a great vacation!

2010-09-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm BAAACK! 5 days away - it's our first vacation this year. And boy was it packed with excitement! Saturday was the trialthon - that deserves a post of it's own. I came in fourth in my division with a lot of room for improvement for next year! But I was happy with my results.
Saturday night was a wedding - in the pouring rain. I mean BUCKETS! Being from Seattle you say "but you're used to rain..." No. We're used to drizzle. This was Rain. There were tents to protect us but at the top of the hill (which would have been beautiful in decent weather) it was pouring, windy, and cold. The wedding kept us distracted - it was amazing. I danced a little with the husband - who doesn't dance so I was thrilled when he joined me on the dance floor! Then back to the hotel in the driving rain.
Sunday and Monday were motorcycle class - learning motocross racing is hard friggin work! I sweated and worked my butt off. The fun part all weekend has been discovering new muscles - and I don't just mean by how sore they are. I mean I can SEE them!! My calves - well, I'll have to take a picture. My thighs, my shoulders - they're all becoming more defined.

I spent the weekend - all 5 days - working hard and eating right. I had a mini-goal of coming back with 2 more pounds gone and reaching my half way point. But no. The scale hates me - I'm back up to 202. Muscles, right? It's muscles. *eye roll* It might very well BE muscles but I worked hard and wanted to see a 2 pound loss. oh well. I'll get over it. And it might just be dehydration/muscles/vacation *um* irregularity...so I'll give it a week to settle in. Maybe on Monday I'll be back down.

Meanwhile, it was really awesome - I stayed on track, no binges, healthy food, good portions, even eating out every meal. If I focus on that - which I'm trying to do - then the weight gain is minor. The success is in staying under control in out of control situations.

Stay tuned for my triathlon report!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Drive by blogging

2010-09-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

Triathlon in the bag!! Finished, little disappointed in my bike portion but overall happy!! Bottom line: more bike riding over the winter and continue the running and swimming.

Today's effort got me fourth place in my division! I'm going to be frustrated if third place was mere minutes ahead if me. But fourth place baby!!
Next up: wedding in Portland tonight and then 2 days of motorcycle racing camp!

In store for October: boot camp and getting this body in shape! I'm excited. And hopeful. And smiling.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Trifecta...

2010-09-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

not feeling well (still have a nasty cough), home alone, and stress. The Perfect Storm. But it's nearly dinner time and still no binge. I didn't plan out meals for today so it was that much more of a struggle when you add actual hunger to the equation. But I'm making it. The day's not over. But I'm through the worst of it. I wanted more than anything to dive into a giant bag of chips - who would know? I was alone, hungry, stressed, have a cold, have a race tomorrow - all the "reasons" I needed in the past. Today I made it through with healthy choices. A PB&J on sandwich thin, a pear, a granola bar. No chips. No candy. Tonight's meal is pasta - carb loading for tomorrow's triathalon (#82 in the house!! *huZZah*).

I'm proud of myself for pushing through. Minute by minute, hour by hour. But it's hard. There's no doubt about it. It's still hard. And it might always be.

I'm off in the morning for a long weekend away. I intended to post up in advance but didn't get around to it today - so that's going to have to wait. I'll have my laptop with me, it will be a matter of finding time to blog! I will post race results tomorrow as soon as I can!

Until then!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

back from the brink of death...

2010-09-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

well, not death. But a cold that knocked me flat for 2.5 days. Started with a scratchy throat - oh, who am I kidding, nobody wants the run down. I was sick enough to stay home from work. Nuff Said.

How it relates to weight loss - Yesterday morning my scale may have read 196.6 - but I thought it might be the meds and a mild hallucination. This morning however, it read 197.4. I'm almost half way to my goal! 195 is half way - 45 down, 45 to go. I want to be on the downhill side of all of this!!

I was describing to a friend today how eliminating some foods is working for me. It's been more than just eliminating that source of calories - it's been more than preventing binge triggers. It's made me thoughtful. Eating has been like a reflex for me. It should be a reflex for hunger but somewhere along the way it became a reflex for everything. Sad - eat. Happy - eat. Tired, bored, frustrated - eat. And it's been easy - like a drunk who knows all the bars on the way home, I know where to get a quick snack. Quickie Mart, Gas Station, corner drug store (ironic). But now that most of my "go-to" food are off limits, the reflex has been interrupted.

Before it went like this: *emotion* - *food*

Now it goes like this: *emotion* - *which food if not chips or candy* - *what IS this emotion anyway* - *maybe I'm not hungry* - *moving right along*

No food in the second equation. Unless the *emotion* is truly hunger in which case the rest of it goes to figuring how how long until my next actual meal and what's healthy and available that will carry me through until then.

Interrupting that usual chain of action has been the biggest part of all of this. I'm thinking before I eat. That's new. Very new. Even when I'm eating in moderation, I did a lot of mindless eating. I logged it all, stayed under my calories, but it was too easy to let it get out of control.

It's only been 6 weeks since I cut candy out. And only 2 weeks since chips are gone. But I really feel like I can sustain this. There's not a finish line. There's no buffet at the end (how many times do I picture my "reward" meal for the day I reach my weight goal - anyone else do this? when I'm "skinny" I can eat as much *fill in the blank* as I want). The reality is that this is it. This is how I will be eating the rest of my life. At 200, at 180, and at 150 when I finally get there.

I still struggle. Don't read this as I've reached nirvana and I'm just going to cruise to 150. That's not true. I struggle. At every meal. At every twang of emotion when the reflex to eat springs up. The last 2 days I was really sick (just a cold but WOW). I was home alone. That's a huge trigger for me. Secret eating. Nobody will find out. And while I did stop at the drug store for some more Kleenex and some sinus meds - I was surrounded by the usual foods that "made me feel better". Only now they were off limits. And I left without ANY of them. More success than struggles.

This feels sustainable. After so many tries. After so many paths. After so much loss - then gain - then loss - then gain. This feels....different.

So I'll keep it up. And hopefully when my sinuses clear - this still makes sense ;)

TTFN,
LauraLynne

PS. Saturday is my triathlon!! let's hope I can breathe normally by then or else it's going to be a colossal struggle!

Monday and I'm smiling??

2010-09-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

What's wrong with this picture? Well, I'm still on track...eating healthy foods, working out, finding a nice balance between keep track of what I'm eating and not obsessing about what I'm eating.

Yesterday brought lots of food - we celebrated my son's birthday so family and friends came to teh house. He requested mac and cheese (and I will not make that from a box!) so I served mac and cheese along with a decent salad bar and several bowls of fruit. It was uber healthy but everyone seemed to enjoy it!

I did have part of a piece of cake - but refined sugar hasn't been eliminated yet. I paid dearly for it with a stomach ache later though. Just more signs of being on the right track in my mind.

Weight is down to 198 but it seems so much less important these days. Just making it through a day without the foods I'm eliminated seems like a win to me. The shift in thinking has been interesting. Mind boggling actually.

I had a great weekend though - raced motorcycles on Saturday morning, watching motorcycle racing (Endurocross) Saturday night, son's party on Sunday and then watched a couple movies and just chilled last night. It was a great weekend.

Coming up next weekend however is: Kirkland Triathalon on Saturday, then a mad dash for Portland for my cousin's wedding, then we're doing a racing camp for motorcycles on Sunday and Monday and Tuesday will be a hang out/recovery day. 5 days packed with fun!! I will probably have finished my "What they don't tell you about Gastric Bypass" by then and post that up in my absence...

I'm so excited for the future these days - and that my friends is the best news ever!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

scheduling exercise

2010-09-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

I find - and I think a lot of people are like this - that if I schedule exercise, I'm more likely to do it. Just "getting to the gym every day" isn't good enough. Signing up for a class or a group - that will keep me moving. For my marathon training, I wrote out 15 weeks of running - and held myself accountable. But since then - and that was JUNE - I've been horrible at going out and moving. I've done a few races and with a triathlon right around the corner, I've been more dilligent about getting in the pool and getting on the bike. I sucked at the swim in my last race and the negative voices that told I me should have trained more were right. I really want to try and avoid that for the next race.

But what then? I won't have a race until December - and left to my own device, I'll play mafia wars until then and then beat myself up for lack of planning. So today I signed up for 6 week unlimited boot camp. Oy vey. It's early in the morning and I'll have to adjust my work schedule slightly to make it work. But I CAN make it work - and it's near my house - and it's unlimited for 6 weeks! It was only $40 for that period of time - so my frugal side voted "yes". Hopefully I love it only enough for 6 weeks of working out - because it's really expensive otherwise (like car payment every month expensive!!)

And I won't start until October or so...maybe I can time it to finish it around Christmas time and make a goal of losing 15 pounds in 6 weeks (unlimted boot camp should be good for an average of 2+ pounds a week maybe?). If I can lose 5 by then (in 3 weeks or so) then I'll see 180 by Christmas. It seems reasonable. Lofty goal but I think it's do-able.

Ok - so it's decided - 180 by Christmas. That's my goal. We're going away for Christmas this year - we're due for a family get away and leaving the holiday stress behind is something we've threatened every year for a long time.

I'm kind of excited for boot camp - it's a plan. And I love plans. I live for plans.

On that note - this week's menu planning has gone very well. Including left overs for lunches - and no buying lunches! Healthy AND frugal - score!! And it's so much easier with school back in and kids and hubby working late - when someone sks "what's for dinner - I have an answer!! And I can relax during my commute, head directly to the pool for my 1/2 mile swim, and then home where whoever gets there first knows to get dinner started.

I feel so organized on all fronts!! And committed to more blogging...I like Drazil's idea of daily 'themes' - keeps things a little organized (yay!). Now I'll have to think of themes....ideas?
I need to have a picture day - it's time to update. And maybe a weekly goal and check in on longer goals? Race reports/exercise wrap up, a day of new receipes (that would be more for me than anyone!! I've been in a cooking rut...). Any other cool ideas?

In other news - I have a lengthy article to post soon - this weekend maybe. "What nobody tells you about Gastric Bypass" It will probably have to be in several parts (maybe that will be a weekly installment?)

Until tomorrow!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

PS. can someone help me with creating a cool signature? I see them on other blogs and have design-envy!

more on moderation vs. elimination...

2010-09-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

I was replying to a comment on my original post - and I had a small epiphany: The elimination has been hard. Harder than moderation. Going without vs. trying to moderate has been a lot harder for me. But I'm doing it. And I'm concentrating on one event at a time. It automatically breaks it down for me and I have daily successes. Grocery shopping - no chips or candy. Drive by the convinience store - don't stop. There are bittersweet chocolate chips in my cupboard for cookies (eventually) - they're all still there.....

I still have to have little pep talks to get through each moment of struggle. But it's getting easier. At least sometimes. There are some days where I really just want to bag it. Candy's on sale...chips are cheap (and SO yummy!). But then I remember my progress. And that I'm accountable. To you guys (thank you!) and to my husband (my biggest supporter!) and my kids (my biggest doubters).

*The epiphany*
Because this is such a struggle for me (as my husband sits across the desk from my with a fresh bag of tortilla chips!!), I think it's actually working. The fact that it's SUCH a draw for me and such a daily struggle tells me I'm on the right course. The fact that it's so hard (right now) is a major clue into what the issue is. And I really feel like this is sustainable. There's no candy and chips (and later refined sugar and artificial sweetner and then who knows) on the food pyramid, it's not required in a healthy diet.

That epiphany makes me feel like I'm on the right track. And, for once, and this is a biggie: The scale is NOT my focus. I'm certainly keeping an eye on it and you bet your booty that I'm dancing in the bathroom when it shows a loss - but the other morning it showed a FIVE pound gain overnight. And I shrugged and put the scale back where it came from. I was confident it was a fluke. And it didn't freak me out - I've been successful in avoiding the foods I've eliminated. And that feels awesome.

Back to enjoying my last hours of a long weekend!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

scale is dropping...and other rainy day ramblings

2010-09-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today's weigh in was 200.8 - felt so good not to see 202 on there - it's been a very long time! Maybe the eliminating is working...

This weekend has been full of working - not the "paycheck" kind of work, but yard work, house work, computer work. The yard is closer to civilized - it was a jungle. The house is closer to clean (I hate cleaning the house!!) and there is a calander on the fridge with this week's meals posted. There's even matching inventory in the fridge to go with that menu!!

I love 3 day weekends - this one was actually 3.5 days. Oh how I wish I could do this every weekend - between the 2+ hour commute a day and 40 hours a week of work - there just aren't enough hours in a week to get everything done. My to-do list is getting shorter but it's still nothing less than several pages long. I need to paint the walls, I need to organize pictures, there's so much that I WANT to get done.

The upside of working so hard at home is that I practically forget to eat. Ok - there is that slice of "just out of the oven" bread that I'll NEVER forget but otherwise I can lose track of time. At work, I'm constantly watching the clock - 7:30 breakfast, 10am snack, 12 is lunch of course, 2:30 or so is snack, and then usually head home for a 7pm dinner. My day is marked off not by hour but by meals. At home, it's different. Snacks are "oh - I'm hungry but busy" but not time dependant. I prefer the spontaneous method - but it's not practical at work. I'm too bored usually (until work gets busier at least - thank you economy).

Anyway - I'm off to the movies...after a stop by the grocery store for baby carrots. I struggled all weekend with "is popcorn off limits" question. I've gone back and forth. But because of the struggle, I figured that it is off limits: it falls easily into the chips/crunchy snack category that I've eliminated. So baby carrots will be my "munch while I watch" snack (as I annoy the entire theater even while I try to be quiet!)

I found another entrant for the Kirkland Triathalon that I'm doing on the 18th - he's a new client at my husband's shop (he's having a Chevelle restored!). He's also physically VERY in shape - special ops forces - and I'm certain he'll do very well in the race. Meanwhile, I'll keep pluggin along, hopefully nothing worse than mid-pack.

Which reminds me, I'd better get a training plan on the schedule for these last few days before the race!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Today marks one month - and paying attention

2010-09-04T17:33:00.000-07:00

It's been one month already - no, not that...but no candy!! That's right - no so much as a dinner mint. There's still been some sweets, but really I'm not that big of a sweets fan - the candy was more habit and easy to grab than anything. It's still habit - I still struggle a little with wanted to grab it first - when I'm at the gas station, when I'm hungry, sad, angry, frustrated. Somehow my brain still thinks candy makes it ok.

But I'm abstaining. And it's been one month.

And I've been without chips for...let me count (errr...how embarassing is that?!), well, not even a week (why does it feel like so much longer?!). I had one night at dinner that without thinking I ate some tortilla chips (Mexican restaurant) - but that just reinforced the fact that this is all about breaking HABITS.

It's funny how much of our day we spend doing things without thinking about it - for some it's their jobs, for some it's driving, for some it's eating. For me it's a lot of that. And more...I spend a good portion of my day just shut off...or thinking about the next thing I'm supposed to be doing or the next place I'm supposed to be, or the next person I'm supposed to help. Trying to stay one step ahead. But that leads to not being present. Not being THERE when I'm talking to my family, driving in the car (can they outlaw driving and daydreaming?), or eating. I do a lot of that without paying attention. It's dangerous - to my relationships, to my driving, to my health.

I have to start PAYING ATTENTION.

That's the bottom line.

I'll leave you all to ponder how much of your day you actually pay attention to....

TTFN,
LauraLynne

evening of successes continued...

2010-09-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

Part 1 here

so I set off on the run - knowing I had 3 laps to complete the entire event. But with voices in my head - dialog I mean - telling me I could stop at either of the first 2 laps and call it done.

Lap one - I was still surrounded by plenty of runners. Including the speedo-clad high school water polo team. As the runners passed in front of me I noticed, in this order, shoulders *dreamy sigh*, muscular backs, tapered waists, speedo covered butts...and their ages marked on their calves. 14, 15, 17...Holy cow, I'm going to jail. My SON is 14 almost 15. When did I get so old (and lecherous?!).

Back to the running...

The loop starts out uphill, then goes uphill more. Oh boy. Then it does a rolling downhill (which in my brain I saw it as "uphill on the way back, enjoy it while you can!"), then flat for an out and back loop. There's a Y in the course with 2 volunteers pointing out which direction to go - all runners headed OUT go to the right, coming back you either go to the left and retrace (laps 1 & 2) or straight for the long course lap 3. Bear with me, I'm not going to try and make you draw a map *grin*

So I bear right, do the turn around and back at the Y the volunteers ask me which lap as that determines left or straight. I say lap 1 (most people are on lap 2 at least by now) and follow the path left. I head UP the hill (the one I knew was coming) and had to walk a portion of it. My legs were still protesting the swim. They might never forgive me...only time will tell.

The transition/finish area was still packed on lap 1 - I caught my husband's eye and grinned for the official photographer. I headed off on lap 2, still negotiating with the voices/dialog about just how many laps I would be completing. 1 down, at least 1 to go. I knew I wanted to finish the WHOLE race. And I just hoped they'd leave the course open for me!

It was during this lap that something strange and new happened. I'm a heads down runner (I know I know - bad form -WHATEVER!). I usually watch my feet as they disappear under my body over and over again. I keep an eye on what's ahead - I've never ran into anything unexpected - but in order to keep my body running, I keep a close eye on it. Usually I also notice all the jiggling going on from that perspective. The girls are strapped down tight (or I'd have 2 black eyes) but the rest of me is free to fight the battle of 'gravity vs. momentum' also known as "Jiggle". I've been pretty good at cutting myself slack - even elite athletes jiggle when they run - and I've been pretty successful at merely notices and not berating myself for the jiggle. And it's getting better - it's noticeably better after 40 pounds gone. But last night - a new voice spoke up. A strong voice, a convincing voice.

"Just LOOK at those legs - they're carrying you wherever you need to go - you demand so much from them and they perform for you - they're strong, they've capable, and you are RUNNING with them"

I almost started crying - I'm almost crying now. It's so true. For so many of us - heavy or not. Our legs are wonderful and we take them for granted. And while I've beat myself up over the size/shape/length of my legs - I'm here to tell you: MY LEGS ARE PERFECT. They have never let me down. I realized this last night as I was running. They're strong. Under the weight I've let settle there, they're muscular. I push them and they carry me wherever I want/need to go. And last night was no exception.

Lap 2 on the run back the volunteers at the Y asked me what lap - I slowed down enough to say that I was going left, I had one more lap to go and that I'd be "right back" (by some definition of right back!). I thanked them as they cheered me on. Once more walking about 50% of the uphill and coming down around and back into the transition/finish area there were decidedly less people but the cheering was loud as I came down the hill - they pointed me to the finish line and I declared: ONE MORE LAP TO GO....be right back! and headed back up the hill for lap 3. Voices be damned - I was going to do the WHOLE event.

Lap 3 I headed to the out and back then finally was able to go straight at the Y for the long course added out and back. (aren't you glad you didn't have to draw a map - the course was well marked and there was very little confusion as to where to go!). It was nearly dark at this point and the trail was gravel but I had sure footing and ran on. They were picking up cones as I ran and one of the volunteers ran up the final hill behind me (at least I think she did...I was concentrating SO hard on finishing at that point). I came down and around the final portion and the transition/finish area was nearly deserted. Organizers, volunteers, vendors - and my husband. That was about it. But the finish line was still up - the clock was still running - and so was I. Across the timing mat and finishing with a time of 1hour 45min.

The course was scheduled to be open for 1hour 40min but with the late start...well, anyway - I only missed my goal by 5 minutes. But I'm fine with that! I had so many other things to be grateful for - including the organizers for not giving up on me.

1000m swim/8k run. I can do it. With strong legs, strong will, strong determination. And a gratefulness to God who makes all that possible.

No time to relax though - next race is in 16 days - Kirkland Triathlon!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

PS. The swag at the end of the race was CHOCOLATE!! And because I was last, they told me to take as much as I wanted...I took 2 boxes and brought them to work today. They're now in the deserving hands of 2 co-workers who appreciate them! 3+ weeks of no candy and day 4 of no chips!

An evening of successes

2010-09-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Last night's race was full of win! Not the podium type though. No, not even close. In fact, I was the last athlete in. By a large margin. Most, if not all, had left already even! But did that bother me?? No!! I was SO proud of what I did. A few things about the race: they started late so I was already concerned about making it to the finish line before they closed the course and starting close to 30 minutes late meant I had that much less time!! I was already a nervous wreck and that didn't help...

Helping was the fact that the race was all run through a local park - the course was 2 laps around the buoys in the lake, 2 identical 1.55 mile laps and 1 more longer lap to total 1000m swim (.6 miles) and 8k run (5 miles). So I knew if there were signs that I was going to completely run out of time, I could just stop at the completion of a lap and not do the full distance.

I was still super nervous.

God bless my husband, he decided to come with and cheer me on. I was tempted to just leave at so many points before the start but he kept encouraging me in subtle ways I'm not even sure he was aware of.

We got there nice and early and I turned in my waiver and got my body markings: race number in large print on my arm and my AGE on my calf. Eeek!

We wandered about, more people arrived. The registration line was really long and the start time was rapidly approaching. I got nervous about the cut off and asked the organizer if a late start would extend the close time. They assured me it would. But it still threw me off a little. Also working against me was the fact that out of probably 300 entrants, I was one of about a dozen without a wetsuit. Errr...the water isn't that cold but I'm beginning to see the advantage. Vanity prevents me from embracing the idea. Wearing Lycra is a brave move for me. Neoprene is just one giant mental leap farther.

But I digress.

Finally they call the mandatory meeting down by the lake, announce the waves (long course men, long course women, short course men, short course women - the keep it simple method - I completely approve!)

Lined up with the long course men in front of me was a gaggle (a posse? A gang?) of men in speedos. The other non-wetsuit contingency. Except these were the local high school water polo team. When did they start making high schoolers that looked like that?! I'm certain that the number written on their calves represented the number of years I would spend in jail if I didn't stop staring at these YOUNG men. Oh lordy.

Ok - so we were sent off in our wave and I started swimming.

Not bad, the water was certainly cold but I knew I would warm up and appreciate it. And I did. My goggles on the other hand were a total pain in the butt. They filled with water right off the bat and fogged up when I emptied them. Ugh. Losing battle and morally defeating. On top of that was the fact the I was really struggling with putting my face IN the water - a requirement of swimming with ANY speed. Sigh. I was ready to give up and I hadn't even reached the first buoy.

Breast stroke it was - with my head held awkwardly out of the water. But I kept going. I was next to last getting on the beach at the first lap and checked with the volunteer if I had time for the second lap.

Remember there were TWO swim laps? My husband noted later that a great number of the long course swimmers did NOT head out for the second lap. But I did. With my no wetsuit awkward stroke. And finished it. With the safety patrol by my side "just in case you need a break" they kept telling me.

My internal dialog at this point went something like this "you know you don't have to run? You know getting a rise on the canoe wouldn't be so bad? You know you don't have to do all 3 running laps? You know that you CAN quit?"

I fought the voices, um, I mean the "inner dialog" (sounds more sane if I say it that way!). I argued with them. I Can do this. The WHOLE SWIM and i bargained that we would talk about the run later.

I hit the transition area among cheers from the volunteers as well as other athletes hanging out in there, drying off, packing up. Many of them admitted to quitting. Not doing the run portion at all. Not me. I had just swam nearly alone for my second lap, was next to last out of the water (the guy behind me dried off and headed home), and after that monumental swim effort, frankly running sounded easy.
What??

Huh??

Back up Sally! What did you just say?

Yup. Compared to the craptastic swim, I was ready to run. Me, yes me.

This was huge for me. A definite shift in thinking. I had a positive voice finally speaking up among the voices I've grown used to. I was ready - and excited - about running.

My legs on the other hand were pissed at me. WALK! They demanded. And I set off at a brisk jog, ignoring the sluggish response from my waterlogged legs.

At this point, given the repeating laps of course, I was among a constant stream of runners. It was motivating to know that they weren't aware of my "dead last" status.

*to be continued* (sorry!)

TTFN,
LauraLynne

racing tonight...can you keep a secret?

2010-09-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

between you and me - I'm terrified.

I can swim. I can run. But there's a possiblity that the race will end before I can finish both of those! I'm at home early just making sure I've got everything, I'll probably grab a quick nap, and then head down to the race site. I'm so very nervous!! I'm pretty sure I'll do fine...I just want to finish bfore they close the course...oh please let me finish before they close the course!!

Ok. So now that it's out there...maybe I can relax and try to enjoy the rest of my day!

I'll report back tomorrow.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

elimination vs. moderation

2010-08-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

Touchy subject, I know - with as many opinions as there are people with opinions. For me, I've tried moderation - and it works. Short term. 6 months or so I can eat in moderation. I've done it before - many many time. I bet most of us have.

So I'm trying something new. I'm going to start eliminating the foods that I have the hardest time moderating.

I started with candy and it's been 3 weeks. 3 weeks since I've had ANY candy. It's hard. There are cues everywhere. Stopping for gas, taking a walk, strong emotions - all bring up the neon "buy candy" sign in my head. Still. But it's only been 3 weeks. And it IS getting better. Slowly, oh so very very slowly. But I'm determined.

I've maintained my weight loss - but my binging is still not completely under control. So while candy is off the menu, chips, and other sweets (cookies and ice cream) are the main culprits. So I will eliminate them as well. But not all at once. That just sounds like a nightmare. Today is my first day chip-free. NO chips, no crackers, nothing that fits into the crunchy/salty/snacking category as I define it.

I feel a bit like an alcoholic (it IS an addiction) who's no long drinking whiskey and now tequila and slowly eliminating the other drinks that end in waking up face down on the lawn of a stranger. I don't know if it will work. But I do know that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing and expecting different results.

I've tried moderation. And while I'm the first to admit that maybe someday it WILL work, I'm just tired of falling off that wagon. Last month candy, this month chips/crackers, next month refined sugar. We'll see how I'm feeling after that. Mostly I'll see what my brain tries to substitute - if it DOES try to substitute - or if this is truly a way of conquering my addiction.

Call me crazy...or call me clever...either way I'd love to hear what you think: Is this rational or am I grasping at straws and making excuses? Is this something you've tried? Success or disaster?

Ultimately I'd like to end up eating a very clean 'diet' (meaning menu more than calorie restriction). Whole foods, wholesome foods, I don't know exactly what it will end up being - but I'm a little excited to see.

Exercise wise - I'm doing ok - been swimming to get ready for this week's race (1,000m swim/8k run) and then I need to get ready for my sprint triathlon on Sept. 18th (really need to get some biking in - the course is SUPER hilly - I've done it before and nearly cried at how hard the hills were!). I haven't been running - making every excuse in the book, mostly just because even after all the running I've done, I still hate it. But I volunteered to help my daughter lead a group at church of teen runners so now Tuesday and Thursday evenings there WILL be running. And I'd better do some the other 5 days a week or the teenager are all going to laugh at this old mom!! Nothing like a little pressure to get me moving!!

Ok - looking forward to every one's opinions (it's ok to call me crazy, just be a little gentle...)

Tonight's my first wedding anniversary - Husband's got a dinner out planned - steak and lobster (no butter) - and then the top tier of our wedding cake when we get home. I've got a great red dress to wear that I'll have my kids take a picture....until tomorrow!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Wednesday...

2010-08-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it to the pool last night! Finally - I feel like progress! Swam 1,000m in 27 minutes so now I'm MORE certain I can make next week's race in under the time cut off.

Did I mention I'm doing an Aquathon next week? It intrigued me so I signed up - 1,000m swim followed by a 8k run. After I signed up, I started looking at the details. There's a time cut off. And my BEST times are pretty much their time cut offs. And I've been slacking on the running lately so I'm a little nervous. I really don't want a ride home in the sweep car.

Last night we had a car club meeting - which is always held at a buffet. *le sigh*

I did pretty good - a nice fresh salad to start, a rare piece of steak and a side of broccoli, then the frosting off a mini cupcake. And I stopped there. No grazing. No seconds. No dessert on my way out the door. And no candy off the sundae bar. Definately a win for me.

Lately I've been paying more attention to how I dress. I'm a "whatever's clean" sort of gal. But lately I've been forcing myself to pay more attention. I've been adding a necklace here and there - putting on shoes instead of flip flops, passing up the usual t-shirts in the closet. And people are noticing. It's kind of fun. I could get used to it. It's definately a pick me up when someone else comments on how I look.

Which leads me to this: It's time to go through the closet again. I've got some clothes that aren't flattering, sag, and are my "Just in Case" clothes. You know the ones. The comfy pants that when you're having a "there's no way I'll fit in THAT" day you pull them out. You know they'll fit. And you ignore the fact that you'll be yanking them UP all day. And by lunch you're writing yourself notes to donate the damn things already. But there's an attachment there - something that prevents me from purging them. "But what if...."

I'm wearing a pair of size 12 pants today - a little stretchy is how I justify it. Somehow I can't seem to convince myself that I EARNED a pair of size 12 pants. Somehow it's easier to believe that the 16's I wore yesterday is what I deserve. Those are going in donate and out the door TONIGHT. Both pairs. Yup. I have 2 pairs of size 16 that I can't seem to let go of. Just in case...

Body image is so damn tricky. My husband (and most men I know) don't seem to have the same issues. How many people here have men in their lives who wear the same size pants as xxx pounds ago - they won't admit that they're buttoned a lot lower now. When they FIT them, the button was much closer to their actual waist. Now they're fashionably "low waisted", held up in some cases only by pubic hair. EEWWW. Sorry for that...

But why don't men have the same issues? Is it biological? Social? Denial? I know there are some men who do suffer from it - but most of the ones I know could give a rip if their pants are above or below their waist - they don't seem to care that their pants size is shows on the OUTSIDE of their pants (raise your hand if you'd allow THAT to happen?!), they just seem somehow so much more confident than women (generalizing - I know). They have their own issues...but when it comes to body image? I want to be a man!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

no new is good news...day 16

2010-08-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday was 2 weeks no candy. I've had cookies and chips and some other not-so-great food - but no candy. I've had it thrown at me (parade), offered to me, brought from Hawaii, gone to the movies, been at a ball game: all without candy. I'm starting to believe I CAN do this. The other junk food has been in moderation.

Surprisingly, I've actually thrown a lot of stuff out - or given it to hubby or the kids. I'm trying to be aware of what actually TASTES good. Spend a week doing that...it's enlightening. There are foods I eat that I don't actually like the taste of. I've been using moderation as well. I haven't been writing everything down, more just trying to pay attention. Be aware. It's been interesting.

My next elimination item will be chips - target date Sept 1. This is a big one. I love chips. The taste, the smell...well, you know. I just love them. But they're a trigger for me. And while I love EATNIG them, the aftertaste of guilt isn't worth it.

I'll replace them with more fruits and vegetables. Ya, that's the plan (good thing I LIKE fruits and vegetables!).

My exercise hasn't been great - I've been active and walking and working in the yard, all of which count towards activity - but I haven't been running, swimming, or biking in awhile. Tonight I WILL swim - I need to make sure I can swim the distance I'm signed up for without drowning.

How's everyone else doing - I've been slacking on the blogging and blog reading - work is crazy, life is crazy, my internet time seems to be at a premium these days. I need to re-prioritize.

so - that's my update - and my weigh-in this week is 202.8. But that's about to change this week!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

For Drazil

2010-08-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

Because I can't post a comment from work - but you NEED to see this!! Everyone else will love it too - but if you go read Drazil today you'll understand why she especially needs it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMT_dCRAUpE

Happy Monday everyone!

TTFN,

the birthday girl! ;)

conversation at the grocery store...

2010-08-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

So Friday morning was chaos from the word go. Thursday night I stayed up let getting lasagna ready (ok ok - buying a frozen one because I FORGOT!) for the next day's potluck at work. I put it in the oven and set the over for delay cook. The oven came on as planned at 5am and went off as planned at 6am when I usually get up. I think you see where this is going. I finally woke up at 7am to a crispy non-edible brick. So I got dressed in a rush, headed (late) out the door and stopped at the store for lasagna I could just heat up at work before the potluck. I LOVE to cook for other people so I was really disappointed for forgetting the night before, frustrated at waking up late, and angry about pretty much everything at that point. I headed into the grocery store. I have a little talk with myself on the way in - no, really - this is something I have to do these days.
"Self" I say, "you will not buy candy. You just won't. You promised. So no candy, ok? No, really, I mean it, you won't buy any candy"
thank goodness other people can't read minds, I would be locked up by now and on soft foods with rounded utensils only.

So my self-talk says I won't buy candy. The rest of my brain is focused on how angry/frustrated/disappointed and LATE I am. Stress. *trigger*

But I won't buy candy. I just won't!

So then, just inside the door, in the "buy me now I'm on SALE SALE SALE section" is a rack of candy. I'm barely tempted and look quickly away.

Right at the display with bags of cookies. You've seen them, I'm sure. The 'handy grab' foil bags of Nutter Butters (hubby's favorite), Oreos (OMG Oreos...), and Circus Animals Crackers.

I go through the list - Nutter Butters aren't for me, Oreos are sinful and have one foot in the candy category so those are off limits. But the Animal crackers? They're not frosted, they're rather plain, and I'm angry. I mean, hungry? No. Really I'm a whole jumble of negative emotions. And my brain is screaming at me - they're plain for crying out loud - what's WRONG with that. "It's still binging and THAT's wrong" said the shrinking part of my brain (why is the reasonable side so much smaller/quieter than the binging voice? years of practice maybe? I feel like a lopsided weightlifter....)

The conversation goes back and forth - I even picked up and put back the bag before I put it in my basket. Oh geesh. You know what I say.... "if you BUY it you will EAT it"

I know myself too well.

So I buy it. And in the car...yup. I started eating them. All while having the conversation in my head about how what I was doing RIGHT NOW - this behavior - it was binging and EXACTLY what I'm trying to avoid. I finally got a grip - just a small grip. And sealed the bag. Then unsealed it and ate few more. Then sealed it again and threw it on the passenger side floor where it was difficult to eat.

Yes, as if I were a toddler without full reasoning power, I had to make it unreachable in order to stop. *eye roll* Is this really what I've become?

I replayed the grocery store conversation in my head few more times. And I'm still not sure how to make the non-binge voice louder. One solution is grocery shop online. Look over the items, KNOW I'm making wise choices and then let them deliver them too me and avoid the temptation all together for now. But that's not the long term solution.

I'm toying with trying OA again - I know in my heart of hearts that I need to be there. I know that I have to make time. I just have to make time. I have to.

Meanwhile, I continue the battle with (very minor and self diagnosed) schizophrenia - for lack of a better term - and occassionally I win. But sometimes I lose.

Off for the rest of my eventful weekend!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

What if...

2010-08-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

This tiny phrase just popped into my head and it was followed by an endless stream of - well - I couldn't even figure all of it out. But one part stuck out. And I'm asking all of you the same question...

What if....tomorrow you woke up at your goal weight? What's the first thing you would do?

*I don't have my own answer to it yet - the idea of it shocks my brain into utter silence*

But I'm guessing that it might be one of my hurdles I'm facing. What WILL I do when I reach my goal?? I can't even picture it - and if you can't picture your goal, how do you achieve it? I can picture myself running races, I can picture myself choosing healthy foods and/or healthy portions. But there's a mental block that is making it hard to picture myself at goal. This is something I will work on this week. maybe google some images of body types and how I picture myself at 150. Maybe some pictures of athletes competing and/or winning. I'm not sure how it's going to look for me. But I'm going to find out.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

PS. Still no candy - day 5 today! Last night I bought Dibs ice cream treats - ate 5 small dibs and stopped. It was logged. It's not candy. But it's close. And the self control part - both in choosing the ice cream and in the portion size - was a victory. I will not eat candy. I just won't. I can't.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Monday weigh in - starting over

2010-08-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

OK - so I'm starting over - clean slate, new day, new week, etc. And today's weigh in puts me up more than I care to admit. But that's what this blog's about. Putting it all out there.

So, without further ado: 206.8

Not 240. Not even 230, 220, or 210. So it could have been worse. It's only been a month but I really am lucky to not have gained more. I felt a lot more out of control. So 206.8 it is. And a goal of reaching 199 again before the end of August. I need to come up with a few more goals for August. But not right now. Right now I have to get back to work...I have to leave on time today, I have a run to get in tonight!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Proof that the universe has a sense of humor!!

2010-08-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Ok - so I've contemplated, casual polled, reconsidered and finally came to this decision: I am cutting candy out of my diet. Completely. Candy for now. Refined sugar down the road. But candy is easy to define. So yesterday was day 1. And we had a motorcycle ride planned - a nice all day curvy ride with hubby and I and anyone from our church group who wanted to show up.

One guy showed and then backed out due to weather (it was threatening to rain). So hubby and I headed north...destination sleepy tourist town for lunch. It was cloudy and threat of rain but nothing yet - and as we got into one small town on our way, we were blocked ... by a parade!!

Apparently the fair was in town and along with the fair came a parade. It was the very beginning of the parade so we parked out bikes (the road was blocked anyway) and sood on the curb to watch. Here's where the universe's sense of humor came into play. I told the hubby that morning about my decision. He supported me - he always does. So - back to the parade. It's been a very long time since I've been to a parade and I had forgotten one essential detail. No - not the clowns. I like clowns and clowns are still allowed in my life. I forgot the VOLUMES of candy they throw at you.
Seriously Universe? Candy? Today. Day 1. And I'm getting pelted by tootsie rolls, skittles, M&M's, you name it. All my favorites were there in snack size packs.

I didn't eat a single one. Oh - I wanted to. I really really really wanted to. But I didn't. *sigh* This isn't going to be easy...but eventually - if it's like diet coke for me - it will get easier. so I'm going to hang in there knowing that.

Tonight I told my kids what I had given up. My daughter supported me and my son laughed at me. I'll show him AND the universe.

Today I started running again. 4 miles in 53 or so minutes. The first mile is the hardest. My brain is telling me how stupid I am and my legs throw in their 2 cents and it's a rather convincing argument that I have to fight through. But I can do this. I'm tired of strugging all the time. I just need to do it. I know how. I have the tools.

I haven't made my workout schedule yet - I have to get input from the kids on when their sports are and work around that - meanwhile I'll run every night. I promise!

anyway - that's it for my weekend, I'll do a weigh in tomorrow morning for my official "begin again"
Until then!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

finding my focus

2010-08-05T14:48:00.000-07:00

Ok - now that the medical/emotional stuff is "over" and out there...I'm working on finding my focus again. Healthy eating, smart choices, and exercise. #1 & #2 are coming along nicely (save for the animal crackers I'm about to eat) but I've been grocery shopping and I've got food to cook at home instead of random spontaneous choices that usually end up bad for me.

Exercise it the weak point right now. It's gorgeous out - I'm physically able to work out - I've got more time than usual due to kids' schedule being very open right now. And yet I find myself sitting on teh computer or watching a movie (or both). I've got a race coming up - but Sept. 18 seems so far off and I can "start tomorrow". I know what worked before - making a calander, putting it on the fridge, and sticking to it like a job. So why haven't I done that?! Hmmm...I don't know.

I also need to make a calander for hubby - he wants to start working out, he's gained some weight and is wanting to just get his general health back in line. Usually I'm really on top of getting things done for other people but I haven't made HIS calander yet either!!

So - I say to you all now - I will do it tonight. 2 calanders - his & hers. And the working out will start tomorrow (we will go for a walk tonight but I don't count that as "exercise" per se, just more as together time, I love hanging out and chatting with my hubby!!).

Thanks to everyone for the comments and good wishes on my last post. I'm sorry to everyone else who's gone through this, once, twice, or more. It's not completely out of my mind but it sure did help to write it all out. I've been less focused on it and able to start thinking and planning for the future - you know, the one where I have 2 teenagers getting ready to move out of the house, some money in savings, and a map of the US with great motorcycle roads highlighted and waiting to be ridden! I'm still sad and I still think about the possibilities and a small part of my brain is still shopping for tiny socks and composing nanny questionaires...but I'm working through it.

Quick question - something I've been pondering for awhile now. I obviously have a problem with food - but one of my biggest issues is candy. Not that I love love love it - but that I eat eat eat it. So, if you have foods that are especially hard for you to deal with from a compulsive point of view, do you go completely without or have you found a way to set limitations?

I'm thinking that I need to go without. But crimeny - it's a tough pill to swallow. I did it before: I haven't had caffeine for 6.5 years now. Only what's in chocolate, nothing in beverage form. And I did it cold turkey. I can't remember if it was hard - it must have been. I had a 4 liter a day Diet coke habit. And I stopped. And haven't had a sip since then. Now if I had only written down my method, I could repeat it and never have candy again - what a dream that would be!!

Medical Mystery explained - not very weightloss related and LOOONG!

2010-08-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying I’m fine – healthy both physically and emotionally - drained in both senses, but fine. Let me also say that I’m not dramatic by nature – I’m not writing this blog for attention or pity or…I don’t even know. I write in hopes of reaching out to other people going through similar things. I write to quiet the voices that bounce around in my head. I write to be able and record my life and look back at where I’ve been. And it’s my hope to help other people by my own successes and failures.

Today’s blog isn’t weight loss related. But it is about me. This, ultimately, is what this blog is about.

Nearly a month ago, I got some great news. We were expecting. We hadn’t been trying per se, but we hadn’t been preventing either. We shouldn’t have been surprised; we’re such a great team at everything else in life that we should have been more prepared. But it did take us both by surprise. I can’t speak for my husband’s emotions – so I won’t. I can say that I was excited. I had been on the fence previously. That is, I have 2 teenagers who keep my busy and a financial planner who says that I’m 18 years away from a very comfortable retirement. But one evening, doing the math, I figured I was late by a few days. I told my husband what I suspected and we headed out to buy a test. I let him look at it first. When he showed it to me, I leapt decidedly OFF the fence and right into “I’m going to be a MOM again” land. I was apprehensive though. I’m older – 41, nearly 42. I’m finally finically comfortable. I’ve got a great job. My husband’s company is slow right now. So while there’s never the perfect time to have a baby, my brain went to all the ways to make all of that work.

About a week or so after the test, I started spotting. Just a little. Nothing much. But I think I knew. And it got worse but never horrible. I was in limbo and a little bit of denial. I’ll skip the details but it was confirmed yesterday that I did miscarry. And we’ve decided that we won’t be trying again – ever. Between the stress of finding out, the stress of not knowing what was going on with my body, the emotions that flooded my body and brain during this entire process – it’s been quite a ride. Not one I ever want to take again.

Part of me feels relief – no middle of the night feedings, diaper changing, cold meals, spit up rags, tantrums, figuring out day care, preschools, schools, homework, vacations, budgeting, etc. And part of me feels utter grief (that word just isn't enough sometimes)– no middle of the night feedings, diaper changing, cold meals, spit up rags, tantrums, figuring out day care, preschools, schools, homework, vacations, budgeting, etc.

I didn’t know how much I wanted this baby until my husband showed me the test. And I didn’t know how much it hurt to lose a baby I wanted so much for reasons I will never know. I’ve cried more over the last 3 weeks than I’ve cried in my entire lifetime combined. Wracking sobs in the shower every morning. The bleeding has stopped, when do the tears stop? And people have noticed. I’m a cheery person by nature…usually the one causing laughter in the room, finding the bright side of everything. But not lately.

And I haven’t told many people. How do you tell them? How do I explain what happened without sounding dramatic? I’m not looking for sympathy, I don’t want people to feel put on the spot for finding the exact right thing to say to comfort me, I don’t even know the words to use to tell them. It’s awkward.

Timing wise it’s been convenient – my dog died yesterday. (a blog for another time). He was part of our family for 6.5 years. And it was sudden. Cancer they think. But I got caught crying at work. It was after the phone call from my doctor. But it was easier to say my dog was sick. And later, when I couldn’t control my sobbing, I was in an empty office when a co-worker came to check on me. What a mess I was. It was easier to only explain a portion of my grief – my dog had indeed died. And that was all I said. I didn’t say that I lost a child as well. That I lost a dream. That my tears were for so many things lost in a matter of minutes. I miss our dog. But we can get another and grow just as attached. The rest is just gone forever.

So – stress. Hormones. Eating. Sleeping poorly. Not exercising (save for a 10k on 7/4/10 and then an 8k this weekend which I’ll write up in a cheerier post tomorrow). It’s been my July. My weight has been relatively stable telling me that while I feel like the tidal wave of old habits has flooded my life may merely be a smaller surfing wave, I still feel like a failure.

But I know what I need to do – and I have a triathlon in September to train for. And I have 2 teenagers, one husband, and a remaining dog that need me. And my husband’s on board. He wants to get in better shape, for himself and to support me. So I’ll begin again. Because, well, just because that’s what I do.

If you’ve made it through this epic blog, thank you. I am not putting this out there for sympathy or pity or drama or…fill in the blank. I’m just putting it out there because my brain is crowded and I need some room. I’ve got calories to count and that my friend takes LOTS of room in my brain.

Let me add as well – to my friends who know me in real life – I haven’t brought this up to you because I don’t know how. If it’s something you want to talk about, feel free to bring it up. I’m open. And you won’t say the wrong thing, I know it all comes from a caring place. I DO want to talk about it – I’m just not sure how. Hugs are always accepted.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Holding on...maintaining....and just riding the roller coaster

2010-07-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I went in Friday for some answers on my health - and sorry folks, but until I have the answers and I've talked to some key people IRL, I'm still going to be a bit mysterious on my blog. Trust me, when it's time for it to come out, it will come POURING out. I'm dying to talk about it, either outcome. I'm in no danger, it's not that kind of answers. Just some perplexing stuff going on.
On to things I can talk about. Eating and stress. I suck and managing both. I hve been trying to balance the eating with healthy choices and going for long walks (Taking the "fat man" for a walk at night is what my husband is calling it - he's not fat, we just del with stress by making jokes). I've been eating like hell. chips, candy, and not cooking at home. Oh, wait! I did cook at home last night - Talapia and wild rice, it was nummy!! But I've used stress as an excuse to go right back to ALL my bad habits. Somehow, I've maintained my weight (201 right now). It's bound to catch up to me. Monday I will have definative answers and regardless of the answer, I WILL be back on track. I'm allowing myself this free time. I'm pretty sure that otherwise I would lose my mind. NO, really.
Ok, maybe not. And thtat's a tough idea to grapple with. For the rest of my life - no stress eating? How much does that scare the shit out of me. For 7 full months now (mostly) I've been eating well, running, biking, swimming, making mostly good choices. I get hit with monumental stress and *WHAM* I'm back to the old me without batting an eye. Proff that it takes time, NOT proof that I can't do it.
When I think about my addiction in terms of someone else and the advice I would give them, it seems so easy!! Would I tell an alcoholic that one drink is ok because they lost their job? Would I convince a drug addict that one day of *drug of choice* is fine because their spouse left them?
NO!! I would tell them they're doing SO good - why mess that up - keep the streak going - you're strong!! I would put an arm aorund their shoulder, hug them, hold their face while I tell them how PROUD of their sobriety I am. I would cry with them as they tell me how hard it is to abstain. I would distract them with funny jokes. I would BE their number one cheerleader. I am SO good at being strong for everyone else. Ask my friends to describe me. Strong. Determined. Capable.
I feel like such a fraud. I am none of those. I am weak, vulnerable, insecure, and I tremble at the sight of food. What kind of person does that make me?! Even one small setback bring back the flood of feelings: failure, weakness, did I mention failure?
*sigh* I'm not sure what else to say - I'm cried out these days. I took 2 days off of work - for appointments and for crying. Yes, I really took time off of work just to stay home and cry.
I'm NOT a cryer. But sometimes...sometimes I cry.
I will make it through this - I will do it with the support of my family and friends.
Thanks for letting me be so mysterious, I've got an epic blog brewing in my brain - I'm so dying to let it all out, either outcome!

I'm still here

2010-07-28T05:23:00.001-07:00

Just trying to find the words to say what I'm going through right now. Not entirely food/diet related but definately health and emotional. Bear with me a couple of days while I wrap up the physical side of things and wrap my brain around all the rest of it.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

borrowing clothes - a success story

2010-07-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

How many of you can relate to this:
You're at a friend's house...or somewhere not close to home at least. And you're cold. Or you spill something. Or...well, you know that feeling. You need a change of clothes and have nothing spare with you. Helpfully, your friends say to you "I have *fill in the blank* you can borrow".
And you get that feeling.

You look at your friend, you think about the last time you stepped on the scale. You do the math, that feeling get stronger and becomes physical. Your brain races.

What do I say, how do I get out of this gracefully.

"Thanks, I'll be fine"
"I appreciate it but that color looks bad on me"
"I'm used to stains, in fact I kind of like them"
"thank you for thinking of me but I don't think that will fit"

Inside you're crying. Embarassment, frustration, just to name a few of the strong emotions now flowing through you. Part of being "normal" is to be able to put on someone coat when you're cold - not just hold it over your shoulders (or do a bad Chris Farley Tommy Boy imitation).

You know your friend MEANS well and has NO idea the storm of emotion they just released inside of you. They have no idea the avalache of negative feelings their act of kindness has started.

We've all been there. Right? As a kid they searched through the lost and find to find something that would work when I ripped out the butt of my jeans on the playground. In PE in high school we searched high and low for something I could borrow when the seams on the inner thigh of my sweats gave up the ghost ... again. I used to sew those damn things up when my thighs rubbed the seams away - and sewing them up meant giving up another precious 1/2" of material I desperately needed. It was a losing battle me and the PE sweats. But I wasn't about to ask for a larger size from my mom. No way.

So - enough reliving high school PE class. Oh lord. I'm so sorry I brought you all along on that trip!

Flash forward *mumbelty* years and today we were at a friend's house. They have a pool and all the kids were swimming, playing, and splashing around. And the host offered for the adults to join in. None of us brought suits though....so she offered her stash of "borrow suit"

UGH. *insert habitul flood of feelings here*

After most of the families had left, our exchange student and my son went back in the pool for another round of horsing around. I watched mournfully and finally thought "well, I'll just have a look at what suits she has in there"

There was a 16!! I was psyched - and a 12, an 8, and some other suits. So I went back to check on our time schedule, make sure we weren't overstaying our welcome, and verified that I could borrow a suit for a splash. I went in to put on a suit - the 16 was out of the question - it was so big it wasn't going to stay on in the water. The 12 was ok - streched out and not really for a big chested woman but it was going to work. I wasn't even brave enough to try on the 8. I was elated to fit into a borrowed anything and didn't want to push my luck.

So - I went back out - in a borrowed BATHING SUIT - and swam around in the pool with my son and our exchange student for awhile. The grin more about the suit and the lack of negative emotional flood.

I might not have it all figured out but today, I'm doing ok.

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Strange thoughts...

2010-07-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been a little MIA - I'm here, I'm doing ok, just going through some stress. Today I had a very strange (but good) thought go through my head.

Surrounded by stress, insead of thinking about food, I was actually longing to go for a run. Shut UP! No, really!
I've gotten my eating 90% under control (is 90% control ironic?) and I went for a 12 mile bicycle ride on Wednesday night. I'm avoiding staying in bed 24 hours a day which is what I'm inclined to do when I'm under stress.

I'm happy to report I'm back under 200 - 199.x <---ok, I just realized how weird it is that I didn't pay that close of attention to the scale this morning. Usually that's a number that I see first thing in the morning and then it rolls around in my head all day. But honestly, today I have no clue what comes after the decimal. This gives me hope that someday I'll be free of that damn scale. Here's hoping!!

Sorry to report I haven't been reading other people's blogs either - internet at work is spotty at best, blocked at worst. And work is starting to trickle in, which is great, but it means less internet time. And I've taken over the book keeping for my husband's shop. I'm a drafter by trade, I draw blueprints. Not much math involved. I don't have a secret degree in accounting - but here I am. So the learning curve is steep and it's taking a lot of time and even more mental energy. I feel drained most days - you know that feeling? The one where even after 8 hours sleep you just want to close your eyes and take a break....for say about 8 more hours?

My stress will get figured out. It's like Global Warming, stressful to worry about it, a constant nagging sense of doom and gloom, but essentially, nothing major to worry about.

One of my ideas for getting this all under control is a 30 blogs in 30 days challenge...I'll figure out the details and let you all in on it soon - very soon!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Feels so good...

2010-07-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

So - I went grocery shopping and I have work groceries now. I feel SO MUCH BETTER about having my usual choices here. The slipping up is better. I still went to the drug store for a snack - more to get out of the office - but I ended up with almonds and *drum roll* NO chocolate!!

What kind of person celebrates making it out of a drug store without chocolate?!

The same kind as the addict who makes it out of the bar with a glass of water.

I feel stronger just in that victory. Now to make it through the rest of the day!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

just busy, not missing!

2010-07-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

I've been busier than a one armed paperhanger - still strugging with food...still wearing size 12 pants...trying to find the motivation I used to have! I went grocery shopping tonight - I now have healthy food for work, one of my frequent crime scenes.

I'm still here - need to make more time to blog, I'm certain that's part of the missing piece of all of this!!

I promise a more detailed update soon!!

TTFN,
LauraLynne

Taking the Scale by storm!

Self-Control/Self discipline "muscles"

207 - hard to type that!

Look who's still alive!!

Full Term - and back to 240

13 weeks to go - the scale broke

made it through the week

rash decision...but it needs to be done...

I feel like all I do is whine anymore

strange self-image issues cropping up...

why am I excited about 205??

it's Monday! that means I survived the weekend, right?

Day 3 - no candy - so far so good

why pregnancy and food addiction don't go well together

Time to come clean - and start blogging again with NEWS!

still alive - glorious Christmas - and looking forward to 2011

checking in - hanging in there - and there's a Holiday coming??

good news bad news

a few more details about what's going on...

checking in - day 1 again.

coming out of my slump - and a new puppy!

well, that didn't go as planned...

downhill slide...

Friday by the numbers!

winter blahs...

Tonight's dinner...

tried to go swimming tonight - and why Hubby will never go again...

what's YOUR plan?

I just want to say..

Weigh in - food police - and feelings!

Breaking down a craving….

I let an anniversary go by and what they don't tell you about weightloss surgery

NSV while in Vegas - the one that made me cry...

Update #2 - weigh in and pictures!

Update #1 - measurements!

lots of exciting news!

Restaurant Rant! @#$%#%$@%

Checking in from Vegas. Food pictures!

at the airport - and my vacation 'plan'

No candy here!! And a breakfast lesson!

impulse eating better today - and a rant about my ex. husband

Friday night - I made it through!

What I'm up against today

hard day - food struggles...

My husband's cooking experiment

sick day - catch up day - abstaining from food notes

Bike a fever, jog a cold?

Friday's weigh in and challenge updates!

How much is too much??

My Brain is playing tricks on me...

Made that track my BITCH!!

Lost: mojo. Motivation. Will to run.

Hump Day!! checking in...and guilt!

"Blog with Substance" Award!

So much to say part 1) - challenge check ins

Thursday - exhausted...but still marching along!

quick update - and a huge NSV

weekend wrap up - learning to forgive

Friday - updates - weigh in - deep breath

geesh - I completely forgot. *sigh*

I might have to become a morning person...and a NSV

whole new wardrobe!

OctoberFAST - week one update. Going the Distance!

Measurements...it's been awhile - and my rotten day

Progress pictures - compare only 10 pound difference

Today starts no sugar

starting a couple of challenges today...

guilt, pants, and kids - my day

Biggest Loser makes me cry

someone's very disappointed....

Monday check in...and wow what a weekend!

Yet another benefit of losing weight...

things I can do now that I couldn't do at 300+ pounds

what a great vacation!

Drive by blogging

Trifecta...

back from the brink of death...

Monday and I'm smiling??

scheduling exercise

more on moderation vs. elimination...

geesh - I completely forgot. sigh